ON THE MOVE

HELLO,

I'VE DECIDED TO MOVE TO:

http://lucyt.wordpress.com/

BECAUSE I PREFER THE QUIETER INTERFACE AND THAT I AM NOT HAVING ADVERTISING BUNGED AT ME MORE THAN I FIND COMFORTABLE...

Thanks for your hospitality all the same Bloggeroos
xoxox

Welcome to my Threshold..

My First Kolam

So this morning I set my alarm for 7a.m. (yes I know it's meant to be Dawn but I went to bed at 2 and had consumed much Wine.. tomorrow I aim to awake at Dawn.. in fact I will attempt to do so for the duration of the 21 days.. weekends optional...)

I awoke and quickly dressed. I made some hot water with Lemon. I emptied the bin and took out the recycling. I then swept the front of the studio (and in front of the neighbours up till where their detritus outside their units began.. we give rather than throw things away here..). Then I filled up a bucket with water and I mopped the area. Then I collected a bowl filled with rice flour that I bought yestersay at the Vietnamese supermarket on Mare Street and with my finger I mady my first Kolam..
Afterwards I washed up and cleaned and tidied the whole place. Partly because there is Yoga here tonight and I must do it anyway and partly because this exercise definitely raised my awareness of my environment:

It was early and so I played no Radio or Music, instead listening to my own thoughts and more aware of my environment. This gave a lot of pleasure to everything that I was doing in addition to the satisfaction of getting housework done so efficiently making the day ahead feel much clearer.

I have been looking for a place to find peace in myself and a way to hear myself and people have suggested meditations or religions or counselling or therapy. I have looked a little at these options but I basically believe that the greatest enlightenment comes from the exaltation of the everyday and external stimuli is exciting and inspiring but the real work is a little more mundane.. in a good way.. Or maybe this is simply a first step, in life as well as it is in "Art"..I liked everything about this ritual. It felt good to clean the space outside, which I normally never do except after parties. Then drawing and thinking about all the people who might walk past and over it.. my neighours and others, and I thought about them and I felt loving and was delighted to be washing up afterwards and hearing "HEY LOOK", from the 5 year old next door as they passed my front door. It may have been about something else but I think not. I'm not saying it's some great "work of art" but it is a work of Love and of Concentration and it feels healthy and right.

Tomorrow I intend to wake up at Dawn (4.42 a.m..eek) and to repeat the ritual and this time to experiment with colours. (Afterwards I will probably sleep for a few more hours). In the evening Verity is coming over to help me with the 7000 year old woman piece.. this is all feeling rather healthy..

Who am I to you and to me?

WHO AM I? A sketch and a picture taken within minutes of each other. I wanted to see what others are seeing as they too often see something which they're afraid of.. their reactions inevitably in turn freak me out.

In the sketch I mostly see fear and a lot of doubt. I prefer the photograph. This not very scientific experiment does hint rather that my brain is fuckin' with me perhaps creating something I am projecting.. I say this because as I drew myself this is what I saw and felt and I was unhappy with the resulting sketch. I immediately photographed myself with my phone as close to the same angle and lighting as I could get. The raw material pretty darn good I think.. It is the feelings that need some where to go/ something to do..

This is what Luna and Antonio kept saying on Saturday Night.. It freaked me 'cos I didn't feel sad at all though their reactions made it clear that they percieved me as such. Maybe Arlene is right.. the traces probably remain and the trick will be to find a way to remove/ exorcise/ rebuke the longerlingering effects of a long and deep sadness that I genuinely feel/ think that I am no longer in the throws of.

Wednesday June 17th
This is today's creation.. though I think I also progressed with the 7000 year old woman

Description of my reconstruction of the 7000 year old Woman piece for Oriana Fox's "Once More with Feeling" Show

7000 Year Old Woman
Blurb for Oriana Fox's accompanying Pamphlet to the exhibition by Me, Lucy Thane:
Once More with Feeling, Tate Modern June 27th 2009

The Sculptor Betsy Damon created the 7000 Year Old Woman in NYC in 1977. She wanted to transform public spaces by utterly disrupting the expected role of women within them and to try to imagine an alternative world experience in which the roles, behaviours and assumptions that define gender were otherwise or not prescribed.

She painted herself white from hair to toes (wearing white shirt and knickers and black lips) and had multicoloured bags of flour attached all over her body. Her collaborator(s) painted or marked spirals in sand on the ground or sang in a protective circle around her. The 7000 Year old Woman then slowly walked these circles and broke open or handed out the coloured flour bags attached all over her body. Variations on this theme were performed on a Lower East Side street, on Wall Street and in Cayman Gallery, also in New York.

My intention is to make a number of faithful as possible re-creations in equivalent spaces in London. These performances will be videoed, and if feasible, displayed during my final performance outside the Tate Modern on 27 June 2009. This performance will be my own interpretation of the piece based on my experiences to that point. I am curious to discover how my experience may differ or be similar to the original, bearing in mind that we are in a very different time and place and also different people. To my cynical early twenty-first century instincts the “spirals” and “protective circles” of the original performance seem so ’70s feminism. How interesting that I hold prejudice against my predecessors, and now that I have begun to rehearse the piece I am reminded of the perfect possibilities inspired by spheres.

Of course “’70s Feminists” were also often similarly nonplussed with us. People are rarely appreciated by their Children as much as by their Grandchildren. I met Betsy Damon’s primary collaborator, Su Friedrich at the Kitchen in NYC in 1993 at an event called “Punkilingus”. I met her in the bar to which she said she had retreated as the films had given her a headache; we did in fact establish that it was in my film about the Riot Girl band, Bikini Kill that had been culprit. The Spiral may be jagged and interrupted but is it not a spiral nevertheless?

“Jealous Girl Love” read the sticker left behind by a visiting Riot Girrl in 1993. How brilliantly honest I thought, but then I realised that the sticker had stuck to itself and as I peeled it away it was revealed instead to display “Jealousy kills Girl Love” My heart sank.

Women and girls are often suspicious of each other and mess each other up over and again and Feminist ideals are seldom lived up to for long as women soon corral themselves into cliques of parenthood or cultural identity. Feminism and other activisms seem to demand of their adherents a pristine absolutism that brooks no human weaknesses and contradictions. Therefore the moment one slips a little one slips away. In my experience many of my friendships with men have stood far better the test of time as men seem more often able to hold onto a consistent identity of their own. Feminism’s (and other ’70s ’isms) battles are not yet won though many gains have been achieved. I think that we could benefit from honesty about our sometimes brilliant contradictions and from questioning the hegemony of instantly gratifying but ultimately divisive and destructive identity politics.

I also acknowledge that I am heartily entering this work because of the Sisterhood my previous paragraph has possibly trashed. Thank you Oriana Fox, Betsy Damon, Su Friedrich. Thank you my contradictory Sistahs.

Research for 700 year Old Woman and rediscovering Kolams

...Meanwhile...

THE 7000 YEAR OLD WOMAN
I started looking online for possible materials to use to paint my face and to fill the flour parcels and to decorate the floor and came quite quickly to Kolams and was a bit excited as when I was in Auroville I met a lovely lady called Selvi who was drawing them outside her house and showed me how they work...

I looked into them and they are painted first with Rice Flour.. every morning by the Women of the House before the rest of the world is awake.. Sometimes they are offerings to Lakshmi, to bring Happiness and Prosperity into the house, they also show concern for Living Organisms as they are Food for Insects and small animals...

ON Special occasions they are decorated with other colours, including by flowers as well as Flour and other foodstuffs

I am a bit more excited by these than by Simple Spiral though I will try this out too. Firstly I need to figure out the ingredients and Colours ( I will do some practice ones in Black and White and for the performances use colours).
I am going to start with my kitchen cupboards (Spice Rack made by dearly missed Pal Claudio) and what I can use from there and then later this afternoon Chris downstairs and his houseguest, Loony, and I will go around the local neighbourhood and see what we can find
The plan for the moment is to try it out this week at some point, then have a full run through next Tuesday and then the final piece at the Tate Modern on June 27th. Verity and Arlene and Catherine and Maryam have all offered to help and/or advise. Oriana instigated this in the first place Barbara and Para-Active/Urban Dolls gave useful critical feedback in early stages. I just have to be clear and figure out what I am doing.. I have an idea that the support systems I am seeking are less gender specific and more creative.. Some very wonderful people come into my mind and they are warm in their response to requests for assistance.. I am slowly walking.. slowly learning to make by.. just.. making.. seems so obvious but taking me years to fathom but sometimes children who are slower to learn to walk or speak are the more articulate and active once they decide to begin...

I just remembered too that I made a mental note to look at Geisha Make-up as this also uses Rice Flour. In the next few days I will write to Betsy Damon and Su Friedrich. I wonder on the similarities and differences between our processes. I will stop worrying about how unsophisticated are my methods and forgive myself as a beginner...

Angry Women

I'm re-reading this book, inspired by doing this re-creating Perfromance Art project. I first read it in the early '90s.. a bit here a bit there in different women's houses I stayed in and lived in both here and in the U.S. I finally decided to own my own copy.

Andrea Juno To be a warrior you have to train and be disciplined. Most people have creative impulses, but few nourish and develop them. Every day, whether you're inspired or not, you just have to work
Diamanda Galas Actually, I love to answer that question, "Are you inspired?" I think W.H. Auden once said, "NO-I'm never inspired!".. Can you imagine someone going to war who didn't know how to fight? If you try to reach the emotional levels I try for without technique, well- I've seen people in mental institutions hit their head against the wall and say "Mama!" for hours at a time, and I'm sure they meant it- but..."
Mohandas Ghandi Be the change you want to see in the World

I suppose that I am trying to situate myself.. find myself even, or is that not even the same thing as finding my practice and work patterns. I haven't been entirely consistent with this make something every day idea.. or did I just have the weekend off? On Thursday I had the idea that I would do this. I felt so discombobulated.. the high of my performance debut the preivous Thursday.. I didn't do anything spectacular, but I did it, while terribly anxious about it before hand, I enjoyed myself and I engaged my audience.. some of whom have quoted me back to me in fits of laughter which is rather gratifying. I felt cleansed, calm for 2 days after that, then resignations began to come in from the Improvisation Practice Group. It was because I had expressed "too much" anxiety to them which they saw as criticism. I spoke to Arlene who was also in Your Peer Group with me and she said that though my moods were difficult, she knew they weren't directed at her, particularly as I described them as they came.. but I suppose Marina and Ceri self- conceptualise a bit earth-mothery and I triggered their instinct to try to heal which they resented. Obviously it's not ideal to blow off as I do and have so little control over my emotions.. this is why I am exploring all these things primarily isn't it.. to find technique to use this roaring energy to effect (not to be that woman in a mental institution). Some People are vicious in their response to my moods and it is incredibly wounding, as this always happens at a moment when I'm very emotionally vulnerable. I think it's that people are attracted to me for my happy positive warm energy and are distressed to discover how dark I also am, not realising that they feed each other.
I am kind... but my shadow is brutal (to take a Jungian perspective)
To be more "balanced" is an often stated request.. but to be honest I Love extremes.. Diamanda Galas, Guillermo Gomez-Pena, Renato Paroni.. and I suppose that in a way they are "balanced" in their use of extremes as they are all highly disciplined and practiced at their respective crafts and belief systems. If one is to be extreme one must also face and accept the consequences. Katia said to me a few years ago You need either to really go for who and what you are or stop it
Juliana said We need to be Professional
I couldn't agree with that as I felt that we were a Practice Group and that we should thus express our processes and anxieties. I often go through this in classes. During working towards the Your Peer Group show, Lena would say This is part of the process, but now I think about it so did Ceri. I was in serious in Mental and Physical Pain during the workshops I have learned most from.. Guillermo Gomez-Pena, Shahar Dor, Para-Active. My bloody skeletal structure is changing for fuck's sake, espcially due to the Ballet.. it's like a second bloody adolescence, no wonder I get a bit moody..

But to go back to Juliana's Professionalism and also abovementioned discussion about Work
Linda Montano said If you are going to take a job, realise that it has its own rules and regulations. To remain naive, self-referential and non-flexible while in somebody else's playpen is cause for dismissal

It is socially acceptable to be emotionally raw and expressive in the context of Para-ctive/Urban Dolls and La Pocha Nostra in a way it just isn't with the kind of people you meet at an Andrew Morrish/ Action Theatre style workshop. I suppose Michael Branwell's Ballet classes were a bit more Action Theatre while Renato's are a bit more Guillermo.. but maybe that's unfair.. many people come to Action Theatre from technique heavy backgrounds. I should speak to Rachel in this regard and indeed to Andrew Morrish himself. I really "SHOULD" go to Devon this weekend.

Basically I haven't found my form/ practice/ way yet though I know that all of these above mentioned and other experiences and people are important signposts and guides and fellow travellers in the "right" direction. I was so lost before that I have heavily relied on guidance from others over the past few years.. also because my previous careeer had been predominantly self- taught and motivated and I'm not happy with the paths and pastures it ultimately led me to and the last few years have been all about trying to re-write my script to go places I really wish.. hindered pointlessly by terrible (but not uncommon) hangups about my age (whereas when I was younger it was being "fat and ugly" I used as basis for my self -percieved sexual unnattractiveness.

So many Cruel and Stupid Emotions get in the way of my development and my relations with others but I cannot move through them by denying them and I don't believe I'll get through them by discussing/ analysing them in a therapeutic context (been there done that). Flamenco Dance and being near the Ocean with Friends have been the most successful therapeutic tools I've found so far in this life.. also that lovely feeling of calm and release I felt after performing last week, until crushed by rejection from Ceri and Marina, maybe I do have to accept that I'm a solo performer until I eject more permanently and efficiently the Demons that seem to inhabit me, at least settle into and distort my facial expressions whenever I get too close to honest expression with other humans?

There is no call to write all this in a blog it is all rather self serving but I think it expresses that my desire is to find a way better to communicate and to live with others and me and my journals is too hermetic for me these days.. just 'cos I'm writing all this doesn't mean that anyone has to read it but I suppose that the hope is that eventually what I'm writing and making and performing will be read, enjoyed, understood and argued with in a healthy way. In the meantime I'm going to use my dear friend and sometimes co-conspirator, Arlene's advice/ method.. to take the materials that i have and just start to touch them and play with them and keep going and see where we go..
Following my Mother's Footsteps and Not following my Mother's Footsteps is obviously a Lifelong Life Project
Decorating the Box I made at my short stint at Wimbledon College of Art is just decorative but I feel something worth doing. I'm covering it with pictures from or referring to important moments of these past seven years, where the breakdown went into more Spiritual places and hope given. I'm going to line it with Red Velvet(een), and the latest though is to make a little Ballerina Jewellery Box from it but obviously that's ongoing.

I want to do more Drawing and using my Voice
After I have collaged the Box, I will Draw my Box.. No the other One, my pussy. I really regret that I threw away the Pussy Dress I made for the Musee Feminique at ATA, and while talking with Oriana about the 7000 year old woman it occurred to me that this also was Feminist Performance Art and I should make it again..