Angry Women

I'm re-reading this book, inspired by doing this re-creating Perfromance Art project. I first read it in the early '90s.. a bit here a bit there in different women's houses I stayed in and lived in both here and in the U.S. I finally decided to own my own copy.

Andrea Juno To be a warrior you have to train and be disciplined. Most people have creative impulses, but few nourish and develop them. Every day, whether you're inspired or not, you just have to work
Diamanda Galas Actually, I love to answer that question, "Are you inspired?" I think W.H. Auden once said, "NO-I'm never inspired!".. Can you imagine someone going to war who didn't know how to fight? If you try to reach the emotional levels I try for without technique, well- I've seen people in mental institutions hit their head against the wall and say "Mama!" for hours at a time, and I'm sure they meant it- but..."
Mohandas Ghandi Be the change you want to see in the World

I suppose that I am trying to situate myself.. find myself even, or is that not even the same thing as finding my practice and work patterns. I haven't been entirely consistent with this make something every day idea.. or did I just have the weekend off? On Thursday I had the idea that I would do this. I felt so discombobulated.. the high of my performance debut the preivous Thursday.. I didn't do anything spectacular, but I did it, while terribly anxious about it before hand, I enjoyed myself and I engaged my audience.. some of whom have quoted me back to me in fits of laughter which is rather gratifying. I felt cleansed, calm for 2 days after that, then resignations began to come in from the Improvisation Practice Group. It was because I had expressed "too much" anxiety to them which they saw as criticism. I spoke to Arlene who was also in Your Peer Group with me and she said that though my moods were difficult, she knew they weren't directed at her, particularly as I described them as they came.. but I suppose Marina and Ceri self- conceptualise a bit earth-mothery and I triggered their instinct to try to heal which they resented. Obviously it's not ideal to blow off as I do and have so little control over my emotions.. this is why I am exploring all these things primarily isn't it.. to find technique to use this roaring energy to effect (not to be that woman in a mental institution). Some People are vicious in their response to my moods and it is incredibly wounding, as this always happens at a moment when I'm very emotionally vulnerable. I think it's that people are attracted to me for my happy positive warm energy and are distressed to discover how dark I also am, not realising that they feed each other.
I am kind... but my shadow is brutal (to take a Jungian perspective)
To be more "balanced" is an often stated request.. but to be honest I Love extremes.. Diamanda Galas, Guillermo Gomez-Pena, Renato Paroni.. and I suppose that in a way they are "balanced" in their use of extremes as they are all highly disciplined and practiced at their respective crafts and belief systems. If one is to be extreme one must also face and accept the consequences. Katia said to me a few years ago You need either to really go for who and what you are or stop it
Juliana said We need to be Professional
I couldn't agree with that as I felt that we were a Practice Group and that we should thus express our processes and anxieties. I often go through this in classes. During working towards the Your Peer Group show, Lena would say This is part of the process, but now I think about it so did Ceri. I was in serious in Mental and Physical Pain during the workshops I have learned most from.. Guillermo Gomez-Pena, Shahar Dor, Para-Active. My bloody skeletal structure is changing for fuck's sake, espcially due to the Ballet.. it's like a second bloody adolescence, no wonder I get a bit moody..

But to go back to Juliana's Professionalism and also abovementioned discussion about Work
Linda Montano said If you are going to take a job, realise that it has its own rules and regulations. To remain naive, self-referential and non-flexible while in somebody else's playpen is cause for dismissal

It is socially acceptable to be emotionally raw and expressive in the context of Para-ctive/Urban Dolls and La Pocha Nostra in a way it just isn't with the kind of people you meet at an Andrew Morrish/ Action Theatre style workshop. I suppose Michael Branwell's Ballet classes were a bit more Action Theatre while Renato's are a bit more Guillermo.. but maybe that's unfair.. many people come to Action Theatre from technique heavy backgrounds. I should speak to Rachel in this regard and indeed to Andrew Morrish himself. I really "SHOULD" go to Devon this weekend.

Basically I haven't found my form/ practice/ way yet though I know that all of these above mentioned and other experiences and people are important signposts and guides and fellow travellers in the "right" direction. I was so lost before that I have heavily relied on guidance from others over the past few years.. also because my previous careeer had been predominantly self- taught and motivated and I'm not happy with the paths and pastures it ultimately led me to and the last few years have been all about trying to re-write my script to go places I really wish.. hindered pointlessly by terrible (but not uncommon) hangups about my age (whereas when I was younger it was being "fat and ugly" I used as basis for my self -percieved sexual unnattractiveness.

So many Cruel and Stupid Emotions get in the way of my development and my relations with others but I cannot move through them by denying them and I don't believe I'll get through them by discussing/ analysing them in a therapeutic context (been there done that). Flamenco Dance and being near the Ocean with Friends have been the most successful therapeutic tools I've found so far in this life.. also that lovely feeling of calm and release I felt after performing last week, until crushed by rejection from Ceri and Marina, maybe I do have to accept that I'm a solo performer until I eject more permanently and efficiently the Demons that seem to inhabit me, at least settle into and distort my facial expressions whenever I get too close to honest expression with other humans?

There is no call to write all this in a blog it is all rather self serving but I think it expresses that my desire is to find a way better to communicate and to live with others and me and my journals is too hermetic for me these days.. just 'cos I'm writing all this doesn't mean that anyone has to read it but I suppose that the hope is that eventually what I'm writing and making and performing will be read, enjoyed, understood and argued with in a healthy way. In the meantime I'm going to use my dear friend and sometimes co-conspirator, Arlene's advice/ method.. to take the materials that i have and just start to touch them and play with them and keep going and see where we go..
Following my Mother's Footsteps and Not following my Mother's Footsteps is obviously a Lifelong Life Project
Decorating the Box I made at my short stint at Wimbledon College of Art is just decorative but I feel something worth doing. I'm covering it with pictures from or referring to important moments of these past seven years, where the breakdown went into more Spiritual places and hope given. I'm going to line it with Red Velvet(een), and the latest though is to make a little Ballerina Jewellery Box from it but obviously that's ongoing.

I want to do more Drawing and using my Voice
After I have collaged the Box, I will Draw my Box.. No the other One, my pussy. I really regret that I threw away the Pussy Dress I made for the Musee Feminique at ATA, and while talking with Oriana about the 7000 year old woman it occurred to me that this also was Feminist Performance Art and I should make it again..