Angry Women

I'm re-reading this book, inspired by doing this re-creating Perfromance Art project. I first read it in the early '90s.. a bit here a bit there in different women's houses I stayed in and lived in both here and in the U.S. I finally decided to own my own copy.

Andrea Juno To be a warrior you have to train and be disciplined. Most people have creative impulses, but few nourish and develop them. Every day, whether you're inspired or not, you just have to work
Diamanda Galas Actually, I love to answer that question, "Are you inspired?" I think W.H. Auden once said, "NO-I'm never inspired!".. Can you imagine someone going to war who didn't know how to fight? If you try to reach the emotional levels I try for without technique, well- I've seen people in mental institutions hit their head against the wall and say "Mama!" for hours at a time, and I'm sure they meant it- but..."
Mohandas Ghandi Be the change you want to see in the World

I suppose that I am trying to situate myself.. find myself even, or is that not even the same thing as finding my practice and work patterns. I haven't been entirely consistent with this make something every day idea.. or did I just have the weekend off? On Thursday I had the idea that I would do this. I felt so discombobulated.. the high of my performance debut the preivous Thursday.. I didn't do anything spectacular, but I did it, while terribly anxious about it before hand, I enjoyed myself and I engaged my audience.. some of whom have quoted me back to me in fits of laughter which is rather gratifying. I felt cleansed, calm for 2 days after that, then resignations began to come in from the Improvisation Practice Group. It was because I had expressed "too much" anxiety to them which they saw as criticism. I spoke to Arlene who was also in Your Peer Group with me and she said that though my moods were difficult, she knew they weren't directed at her, particularly as I described them as they came.. but I suppose Marina and Ceri self- conceptualise a bit earth-mothery and I triggered their instinct to try to heal which they resented. Obviously it's not ideal to blow off as I do and have so little control over my emotions.. this is why I am exploring all these things primarily isn't it.. to find technique to use this roaring energy to effect (not to be that woman in a mental institution). Some People are vicious in their response to my moods and it is incredibly wounding, as this always happens at a moment when I'm very emotionally vulnerable. I think it's that people are attracted to me for my happy positive warm energy and are distressed to discover how dark I also am, not realising that they feed each other.
I am kind... but my shadow is brutal (to take a Jungian perspective)
To be more "balanced" is an often stated request.. but to be honest I Love extremes.. Diamanda Galas, Guillermo Gomez-Pena, Renato Paroni.. and I suppose that in a way they are "balanced" in their use of extremes as they are all highly disciplined and practiced at their respective crafts and belief systems. If one is to be extreme one must also face and accept the consequences. Katia said to me a few years ago You need either to really go for who and what you are or stop it
Juliana said We need to be Professional
I couldn't agree with that as I felt that we were a Practice Group and that we should thus express our processes and anxieties. I often go through this in classes. During working towards the Your Peer Group show, Lena would say This is part of the process, but now I think about it so did Ceri. I was in serious in Mental and Physical Pain during the workshops I have learned most from.. Guillermo Gomez-Pena, Shahar Dor, Para-Active. My bloody skeletal structure is changing for fuck's sake, espcially due to the Ballet.. it's like a second bloody adolescence, no wonder I get a bit moody..

But to go back to Juliana's Professionalism and also abovementioned discussion about Work
Linda Montano said If you are going to take a job, realise that it has its own rules and regulations. To remain naive, self-referential and non-flexible while in somebody else's playpen is cause for dismissal

It is socially acceptable to be emotionally raw and expressive in the context of Para-ctive/Urban Dolls and La Pocha Nostra in a way it just isn't with the kind of people you meet at an Andrew Morrish/ Action Theatre style workshop. I suppose Michael Branwell's Ballet classes were a bit more Action Theatre while Renato's are a bit more Guillermo.. but maybe that's unfair.. many people come to Action Theatre from technique heavy backgrounds. I should speak to Rachel in this regard and indeed to Andrew Morrish himself. I really "SHOULD" go to Devon this weekend.

Basically I haven't found my form/ practice/ way yet though I know that all of these above mentioned and other experiences and people are important signposts and guides and fellow travellers in the "right" direction. I was so lost before that I have heavily relied on guidance from others over the past few years.. also because my previous careeer had been predominantly self- taught and motivated and I'm not happy with the paths and pastures it ultimately led me to and the last few years have been all about trying to re-write my script to go places I really wish.. hindered pointlessly by terrible (but not uncommon) hangups about my age (whereas when I was younger it was being "fat and ugly" I used as basis for my self -percieved sexual unnattractiveness.

So many Cruel and Stupid Emotions get in the way of my development and my relations with others but I cannot move through them by denying them and I don't believe I'll get through them by discussing/ analysing them in a therapeutic context (been there done that). Flamenco Dance and being near the Ocean with Friends have been the most successful therapeutic tools I've found so far in this life.. also that lovely feeling of calm and release I felt after performing last week, until crushed by rejection from Ceri and Marina, maybe I do have to accept that I'm a solo performer until I eject more permanently and efficiently the Demons that seem to inhabit me, at least settle into and distort my facial expressions whenever I get too close to honest expression with other humans?

There is no call to write all this in a blog it is all rather self serving but I think it expresses that my desire is to find a way better to communicate and to live with others and me and my journals is too hermetic for me these days.. just 'cos I'm writing all this doesn't mean that anyone has to read it but I suppose that the hope is that eventually what I'm writing and making and performing will be read, enjoyed, understood and argued with in a healthy way. In the meantime I'm going to use my dear friend and sometimes co-conspirator, Arlene's advice/ method.. to take the materials that i have and just start to touch them and play with them and keep going and see where we go..
Following my Mother's Footsteps and Not following my Mother's Footsteps is obviously a Lifelong Life Project
Decorating the Box I made at my short stint at Wimbledon College of Art is just decorative but I feel something worth doing. I'm covering it with pictures from or referring to important moments of these past seven years, where the breakdown went into more Spiritual places and hope given. I'm going to line it with Red Velvet(een), and the latest though is to make a little Ballerina Jewellery Box from it but obviously that's ongoing.

I want to do more Drawing and using my Voice
After I have collaged the Box, I will Draw my Box.. No the other One, my pussy. I really regret that I threw away the Pussy Dress I made for the Musee Feminique at ATA, and while talking with Oriana about the 7000 year old woman it occurred to me that this also was Feminist Performance Art and I should make it again..

Warming up for 21 Days of Art

June 11th work... I guess it's not Art but Decoration.. also incomplete. But I still think this is a very good discipline. To make something every day.

Dumped

June 11th 2009

Today I felt shellshocked after great Performance debut high followed by dropped from a great height by improvisation "group" dumping me (Marina and Ceri anyway and Juliana having started a push weeks ago, Seke seems still on my side.. hopefully he's not just being a "man" about it). So confusing to feel such success and such failure about the same event.. still trying to formulate proper reply to them .. must just bash it out in morning ... They have to be acknowledged for all their greatness though I guess I feel they only acknowlege others as long as they're "good" and I'm not massively a fan of this atitude to life though I know they're worse ways so just should smile and learn.. rise above andlivenlearn...

I also had communications with Rachel, Arlene, Jana, Ellen today that reminded me that there are many perspectives on me (3/4 of these people knowing me well to the degree of seeing my emotional extremes.. and still loving me and continuing to wish to know and work with me...)...

Ok so none of the photos have come through next.. pornography police on nightshift skkeleton staff again.. gosh institutionalised prudery is soooo cooool. I fel so dafe.

Happy enjoying the pictures of me,,, xoxo

It's getting better all the time.... xooxo

I took photos of what I produced for todays art work for the 21 day continuous artmaking project but they haven't come through to my inbox in last 15 mins and so you'll have to take my word for it that I covered my box in a meaningful way...

Improvisation Practice Group debuts and immediately splits up.. VERY ROCK N ROLL...

JUNE 10TH 2009

So I made a resolution today that I would consider myself to be an Artist. This was due to a Train of thought..
Firstly an email from Marina saying that she was resigning from our Improvisation practice group. This makes me so sad. I love these people. I love our group. I love Marina's work. I love working with these people..

And this is after our triumphant show/event last Thursday night

She said that she had too many other projects on the go but I suspect that I have to bear some responsibility for her resignation. It all started so beautifully back in December in Andrew Morrish's workshop. There was some kind of magic between us. I felt it with Seke, Marina and Ceri most notably. There was a bit of a clash of personalities between Juliana and I but she said she thought it had great comic potential which is a brilliant attitude.

Juliana also got the ball rolling and we arranged to and did meet almost every week from January through May up until the June 4th Show.

It really was joyous, a different emphasis with each session, Movement, or voice, or song, or narrative, or characterisation, we each took it in turns to decide on warm-ups and exercises and would always perform for each other in solo, or duet or trio depending on how many people in attendance. We always stuck to the Andrew Morrish rule of saying only what we enjoyed of our own and each others work, not bothering to criticise or try to change each others work.

I love doing this kind of work. I can be myself in all its permutations....unfortunately some of those permutations are fear of other people and a tendency to take on too much and to suffer subsequently high stress levels which apparently comes forth as anger and I've so little volume control or restraint especially in these performance contexts, as, repressed so long my moooooooods jump out LIKE JACK IN A BOX ON A VERY LOOONG AND SPRRRINGY SPRING.. quite understandably, this is rather hard on other people. The situation was exacerbated by practice sessions taking place at my place and too often everyone would arrive on days I'd not left the house but briefly or seen a soul and so my moods festering and waiting for the first person to erupt to and it would too often be them.. Marina suffered particularly as she has a delicate and sensitive personality that also seeks solutions, not understanding that being told you need therapy while in a state of distress is like salt in a wound that exacerbates the feelings of alienation and loneliness, especially when I tried to find a therapist for many years and had very bad experiences.. I think that everyone suffered, though they were kind, even Juliana who never understood my requests for her to stop making comments about my personality. I am definitely (over)sensitive in these performance situations and I realise that part of my path as a person and a performer is to find healthy places to put these emotions, these sensitivities.. I genuinely don't know how to go about this without help and understanding from people around me because they like me not because they pay but somehow I have to figure this out as it is nobody's responsibility but my own.

As I have an event at my warehouse space on the first Thursday of every month it seemed obvious that we would co-host an event as a group here and we did on June 4th.

The show was beautiful. The place looked great, everyone helped plan every element and insisted some money was taken at door, there was a warm up and then a complete run-through and suddenly (to me) it seemed so wonderful and various were the possibilities of this improvisational art-form. Then Juliana and Seke went to get the booze while Marina and Ceri and I fixed up the place (me getting lost in the spaghetti of my archaic and overly complex sound systems), then Ceri went out to get ElderFlowers while Marina and Seke and Juliana took a break (while I continued to battle with the bloody sound). The Evening itself was PERFECT from the performances themselves to the face disco to the arm-bandit confessional booth to the choir to the Elderflower fritters to the Egyptian dancing to the raffle to the audience and everybodies attitude.
I have done these things once a month since October 2008. They have been all great events but an increasing drag on my energy and time. Last month was particularly draining as we did 2 in 3 days and the collaborators were particularly un-collaborative.. Ceri spelled it out most succinctly when she said that everyone was helping in the creative side of things but no-one in the production and planning side. After that show I was also getting requests for this that and the other from left right and centre and it was simply too much. Being where I live and work, even with help these shows pretty much take over my life for between 4 days and a week and I don't get enough income from them to justify this much time out of my life.

When I expressed this to the group (in my usual...ahem..."relaxed"?... way) they responded beautifully and positively and said they'd do their best to ensure that the event went smoothly and I got the support I needed. I missed the session a week before the show and they made an arrangement to have the session 2 days before the show be at Greenwich dance agency. It seemed immediately obvious to me that this would not work for me and would not be appropriate as the event was to take place at my place. Knowing how much there was to do there was no way I was going to feel able to travel all the way to Greenwich and back and concentrate simply on a practice. Unfortunately I didn't seem to be articulately putting forth my point of view and in the group emails everyone kept agreeing that it was a great idea to meet at GDA. I was starting to feel insane as they had all assurred me that they would help and had queried that maybe I simply hadn't made myself clear enough when collaborating with other people. But, as far as I can see, I think that everyone had by then decided i was irrational and were switching off parts of their brains to me.. I had become the little boy crying "Wolf" I had "protested too much" too many times before (sorry to mix my storytelling allusions). I think that this happens a lot. A lot of what I say is quite reasonable, it is just sometimes said at times which are deemed innappropriate and in a manner which many people find rather intense and intimidating and just plain exhausting.. even the aforementioned therapists.

It wasn't until a few days later that Ceri said that clarifying thing about everyone feeling like they're helping because they're giving a lot of creative input- however that leaves all the production and planning to one person- me.. Golly I have to make special mention of Ceri's de-muddling positive knit-picking ability.. she really unpacks things and then builds them up in an uncluttered light. I tried to use this inspiration positively and eventually I persuaded everyone to come to mine for the planning session and it was an extremely productive meeting and I think that everyone could see now why I had been so insistent. Marina also said at one point "Wow, there is so much to do...". I felt acknowledged at that moment, that there was a possibility for understanding me, that my emotional states had validation. But her comment was a general one, not aimed at me (quite reasonably)..

I am evidently seeking emotional release and validation and need to find a way to this that neither hurts others or disappoints me. I know that all groups are hard but I am tired of feeling like a toxic element.. or is my problem that I feel like a toxic element..
Uncharacteristically Radio 4 led me out of despair this morning. On reading Marina's email I just felt an overwhelming sadness and self-loathing (because I never appear to be able to sustain long-term close relations of any kind and this inevitably makes me sad). I turned on the radio to give my thoughts a rest and saw that there was a programme about performance art. from that I spent some time looking at the work and writings of Tehching Hsieh and Linda M. Montano, and began to see a tiny chink out of my stupidcycle with their life=art attitudes. Obviously I havent cracked out how yet.. having not worked out an alternative yet to the confessional/therapeutic model yet.. but I've given myself a 21 day plan to lay a foundation for finding a way to Live and Love and Work and Create in the Positive way I bloody well know I can. I'm going to post this now because otherwise I'll be chickening out. Gotta go to SambaReggae with Catherine in Walthamstow now.. let's see how I'm doin' on my return

xooxxoxo Lucy

Follwing Mother's Footsteps

21 days to make a lovin' artist out of lil' ol' me
DAY ONE
June 10th 2009
Journal: I just got back from spending 2 days in Birkenhead. I had suggested to my mum that we go see Maggi Hambling paintings of George Melly that were being displayed in Liverpool as my parents used to take me with them to see him when I was little and wonderful he was too
Of course we could never find a time when we both could go until a week after the exhibition ended. By that time Mum had also decided to show me where she had grown up in Birkenhead (the other side of the Mersey from Liverpool.. the place the Ferry goes to and from..). In lieu of Maggie and Melly Mum decided we should go see the Antony Gormley statues that were apparently at the beach at Formby.. but though we walked and walked we never got there me (as usual) stuggling to follow my Mother's striding footsteps..

These pictures were taken within seconds of each other. At this point I gave up and recorded where I had come from to remind myself that I did nevertheless exist..
.. and that we simply took divergent paths.. we never did find the Gormley statues. Some Kite Flyers on the beach told us that they were in fact 10 miles up the beach at Crosby, so we trudged back through the sand towards the railway station. En route we met two park rangers who told us that we in fact needed to go to Seaforth. More interestingly they told us that the Pox carried by Grey Squirrels had decimated the population of Red Squirrels that was here one of the last remaining (we had also passed a dead rabbit, that apparently had had mixematosis.. a variant of Pox), they also told us about the Friends of the Red Squirrel.. If you've ever encountered a Red Squirrel at close quarters you'll know why this matters..

.. at Seaforth we were told that the nearest station was actually Waterloo (no. not the one in London), at which point we gave up..

... and went back to Birkenhead and Mum's old convent school friend Christine with whom we were staying and who was just finishing teaching a Piano Lesson after which they showed me the big house Mum's Grandparents caretook and where they all lived in the basement (and grew all their own fruit and veg in the big garden of) until Mum was 13, and to the Flat in the Housing estate where they then moved and where her Grandmother died when Mum was 15 and where she lived with her Step-Grandfather, and the land that was once their school and now a more up market housing estate, where Mum had been tutored by her History teacher Sister McVeigh to take her Oxford Entrance (first ever from the school), and where they were all persecuted by the made up sounding Sister Magdalena, Sister Sebastian, Sister Mary of the Rosary...

Then we had dinner in a nice local restaurant and watched telly and drank rose and argued about drugs and politics and slept and got up early the next day for breakfast then Christine took us to take the ferry back across the Mersey and a walk through Liverpool back to Lime Street Station.

My Mum is a Historian. But she rarely discusses her own History. This is the most I ever gleaned. Interesting. Disorientating. Mum now reckons I've inherited Scouse humour from her..hmm

21 DAYS OF ART

Wednesday June 10th
WEDNESDAY JUNE 10TH 2009
Not a notable day in any general sense to my knowledge but I just decided to make it a notable day in my life
I have spent a lot of time worrying about money and training.. trying to make money in order to train in order to become an artist and regretting that I didn't go to Art School, that I pushed my self too hard and broke down, that I take too long picking myself up, that I'm too open about my failings and feelings (so people are afraid and call me mad and back off), that I run from Love then beg for it which pushes it still further away, that my first Loves and Creative Career ended in breakdown and so I am afraid that this will happen again if I give myself again to Love and Art.
When all along.. even when in training I was in training as an artist, even when not being paid, or I was paying for training I was an Artist. I am an Artist and everything I do is Art and now I have this conviction I am much more likely to be paid (as who pays those who are unsure of who they are and what they are doing? Also I have made money from my work many times before- why not now?). And why not Love myself and Love Men as themselves and see what happens...
My focus now becomes my creative work which is inextricably linked with my well-being and development as a person and my relations with other people
Every day for the next 21 days every troubling or distracting thought and feeling will be transformed into idea, action and/or artpiece
Every day will begin with this in mind
Apparently it takes 21 days to turn an action into a habit. I will start today and thus by June 30th.. the last day of June, this will be my habit and I will be a fully fledged Artist...

Red Shoe Films First Thursday and Saturday May 2009

Hellooo, So yeah there were two quite Lovely Shows here at Red SHoe Space in the past few days

On Thursday

On the same day as the SSHHHHSHOW Lena were getting married in Portland Oregon and Nora and Trevor (My old Friends, their new friends, great people) photographed them and phoned the photos to my computer. Meanwhile I and my friends in London communicated all Saturday Night via Skype with 119 Gallery in Boston Massachusetts, having been introduced t each other by our dear now marrie friend Lena. It was an inspirational evening. I will post these photos then sleep then soon elaborate...