Wednesday, 17 June 2009
ON THE MOVE
HELLO,
I'VE DECIDED TO MOVE TO:
http://lucyt.wordpress.com/
BECAUSE I PREFER THE QUIETER INTERFACE AND THAT I AM NOT HAVING ADVERTISING BUNGED AT ME MORE THAN I FIND COMFORTABLE...
Thanks for your hospitality all the same Bloggeroos
xoxox
My First Kolam
So this morning I set my alarm for 7a.m. (yes I know it's meant to be Dawn but I went to bed at 2 and had consumed much Wine.. tomorrow I aim to awake at Dawn.. in fact I will attempt to do so for the duration of the 21 days.. weekends optional...)
I awoke and quickly dressed. I made some hot water with Lemon. I emptied the bin and took out the recycling. I then swept the front of the studio (and in front of the neighbours up till where their detritus outside their units began.. we give rather than throw things away here..). Then I filled up a bucket with water and I mopped the area. Then I collected a bowl filled with rice flour that I bought yestersay at the Vietnamese supermarket on Mare Street and with my finger I mady my first Kolam..
Afterwards I washed up and cleaned and tidied the whole place. Partly because there is Yoga here tonight and I must do it anyway and partly because this exercise definitely raised my awareness of my environment:
It was early and so I played no Radio or Music, instead listening to my own thoughts and more aware of my environment. This gave a lot of pleasure to everything that I was doing in addition to the satisfaction of getting housework done so efficiently making the day ahead feel much clearer.
I have been looking for a place to find peace in myself and a way to hear myself and people have suggested meditations or religions or counselling or therapy. I have looked a little at these options but I basically believe that the greatest enlightenment comes from the exaltation of the everyday and external stimuli is exciting and inspiring but the real work is a little more mundane.. in a good way.. Or maybe this is simply a first step, in life as well as it is in "Art"..
I liked everything about this ritual. It felt good to clean the space outside, which I normally never do except after parties. Then drawing and thinking about all the people who might walk past and over it.. my neighours and others, and I thought about them and I felt loving and was delighted to be washing up afterwards and hearing "HEY LOOK", from the 5 year old next door as they passed my front door. It may have been about something else but I think not. I'm not saying it's some great "work of art" but it is a work of Love and of Concentration and it feels healthy and right.
Tomorrow I intend to wake up at Dawn (4.42 a.m..eek) and to repeat the ritual and this time to experiment with colours. (Afterwards I will probably sleep for a few more hours). In the evening Verity is coming over to help me with the 7000 year old woman piece.. this is all feeling rather healthy..
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
Who am I to you and to me?
WHO AM I? A sketch and a picture taken within minutes of each other. I wanted to see what others are seeing as they too often see something which they're afraid of.. their reactions inevitably in turn freak me out.In the sketch I mostly see fear and a lot of doubt. I prefer the photograph. This not very scientific experiment does hint rather that my brain is fuckin' with me perhaps creating something I am projecting.. I say this because as I drew myself this is what I saw and felt and I was unhappy with the resulting sketch. I immediately photographed myself with my phone as close to the same angle and lighting as I could get. The raw material pretty darn good I think.. It is the feelings that need some where to go/ something to do..
This is what Luna and Antonio kept saying on Saturday Night.. It freaked me 'cos I didn't feel sad at all though their reactions made it clear that they percieved me as such. Maybe Arlene is right.. the traces probably remain and the trick will be to find a way to remove/ exorcise/ rebuke the longerlingering effects of a long and deep sadness that I genuinely feel/ think that I am no longer in the throws of.
Wednesday June 17th
This is today's creation.. though I think I also progressed with the 7000 year old woman
Description of my reconstruction of the 7000 year old Woman piece for Oriana Fox's "Once More with Feeling" Show
7000 Year Old WomanBlurb for Oriana Fox's accompanying Pamphlet to the exhibition by Me, Lucy Thane:
Once More with Feeling, Tate Modern June 27th 2009
The Sculptor Betsy Damon created the 7000 Year Old Woman in NYC in 1977. She wanted to transform public spaces by utterly disrupting the expected role of women within them and to try to imagine an alternative world experience in which the roles, behaviours and assumptions that define gender were otherwise or not prescribed.
She painted herself white from hair to toes (wearing white shirt and knickers and black lips) and had multicoloured bags of flour attached all over her body. Her collaborator(s) painted or marked spirals in sand on the ground or sang in a protective circle around her. The 7000 Year old Woman then slowly walked these circles and broke open or handed out the coloured flour bags attached all over her body. Variations on this theme were performed on a Lower East Side street, on Wall Street and in Cayman Gallery, also in New York.
My intention is to make a number of faithful as possible re-creations in equivalent spaces in London. These performances will be videoed, and if feasible, displayed during my final performance outside the Tate Modern on 27 June 2009. This performance will be my own interpretation of the piece based on my experiences to that point. I am curious to discover how my experience may differ or be similar to the original, bearing in mind that we are in a very different time and place and also different people. To my cynical early twenty-first century instincts the “spirals” and “protective circles” of the original performance seem so ’70s feminism. How interesting that I hold prejudice against my predecessors, and now that I have begun to rehearse the piece I am reminded of the perfect possibilities inspired by spheres.
Of course “’70s Feminists” were also often similarly nonplussed with us. People are rarely appreciated by their Children as much as by their Grandchildren. I met Betsy Damon’s primary collaborator, Su Friedrich at the Kitchen in NYC in 1993 at an event called “Punkilingus”. I met her in the bar to which she said she had retreated as the films had given her a headache; we did in fact establish that it was in my film about the Riot Girl band, Bikini Kill that had been culprit. The Spiral may be jagged and interrupted but is it not a spiral nevertheless?
“Jealous Girl Love” read the sticker left behind by a visiting Riot Girrl in 1993. How brilliantly honest I thought, but then I realised that the sticker had stuck to itself and as I peeled it away it was revealed instead to display “Jealousy kills Girl Love” My heart sank.
Women and girls are often suspicious of each other and mess each other up over and again and Feminist ideals are seldom lived up to for long as women soon corral themselves into cliques of parenthood or cultural identity. Feminism and other activisms seem to demand of their adherents a pristine absolutism that brooks no human weaknesses and contradictions. Therefore the moment one slips a little one slips away. In my experience many of my friendships with men have stood far better the test of time as men seem more often able to hold onto a consistent identity of their own. Feminism’s (and other ’70s ’isms) battles are not yet won though many gains have been achieved. I think that we could benefit from honesty about our sometimes brilliant contradictions and from questioning the hegemony of instantly gratifying but ultimately divisive and destructive identity politics.
I also acknowledge that I am heartily entering this work because of the Sisterhood my previous paragraph has possibly trashed. Thank you Oriana Fox, Betsy Damon, Su Friedrich. Thank you my contradictory Sistahs.
Research for 700 year Old Woman and rediscovering Kolams
...Meanwhile...
THE 7000 YEAR OLD WOMAN
I started looking online for possible materials to use to paint my face and to fill the flour parcels and to decorate the floor and came quite quickly to Kolams and was a bit excited as when I was in Auroville I met a lovely lady called Selvi who was drawing them outside her house and showed me how they work...
I looked into them and they are painted first with Rice Flour.. every morning by the Women of the House before the rest of the world is awake.. Sometimes they are offerings to Lakshmi, to bring Happiness and Prosperity into the house, they also show concern for Living Organisms as they are Food for Insects and small animals...
ON Special occasions they are decorated with other colours, including by flowers as well as Flour and other foodstuffs
I am a bit more excited by these than by Simple Spiral though I will try this out too. Firstly I need to figure out the ingredients and Colours ( I will do some practice ones in Black and White and for the performances use colours).
I am going to start with my kitchen cupboards (Spice Rack made by dearly missed Pal Claudio) and what I can use from there and then later this afternoon Chris downstairs and his houseguest, Loony, and I will go around the local neighbourhood and see what we can find
The plan for the moment is to try it out this week at some point, then have a full run through next Tuesday and then the final piece at the Tate Modern on June 27th. Verity and Arlene and Catherine and Maryam have all offered to help and/or advise. Oriana instigated this in the first place Barbara and Para-Active/Urban Dolls gave useful critical feedback in early stages. I just have to be clear and figure out what I am doing.. I have an idea that the support systems I am seeking are less gender specific and more creative.. Some very wonderful people come into my mind and they are warm in their response to requests for assistance.. I am slowly walking.. slowly learning to make by.. just.. making.. seems so obvious but taking me years to fathom but sometimes children who are slower to learn to walk or speak are the more articulate and active once they decide to begin...
I just remembered too that I made a mental note to look at Geisha Make-up as this also uses Rice Flour. In the next few days I will write to Betsy Damon and Su Friedrich. I wonder on the similarities and differences between our processes. I will stop worrying about how unsophisticated are my methods and forgive myself as a beginner...
THE 7000 YEAR OLD WOMAN
I started looking online for possible materials to use to paint my face and to fill the flour parcels and to decorate the floor and came quite quickly to Kolams and was a bit excited as when I was in Auroville I met a lovely lady called Selvi who was drawing them outside her house and showed me how they work...
I looked into them and they are painted first with Rice Flour.. every morning by the Women of the House before the rest of the world is awake.. Sometimes they are offerings to Lakshmi, to bring Happiness and Prosperity into the house, they also show concern for Living Organisms as they are Food for Insects and small animals...
ON Special occasions they are decorated with other colours, including by flowers as well as Flour and other foodstuffs
I am a bit more excited by these than by Simple Spiral though I will try this out too. Firstly I need to figure out the ingredients and Colours ( I will do some practice ones in Black and White and for the performances use colours).
I am going to start with my kitchen cupboards (Spice Rack made by dearly missed Pal Claudio) and what I can use from there and then later this afternoon Chris downstairs and his houseguest, Loony, and I will go around the local neighbourhood and see what we can find
The plan for the moment is to try it out this week at some point, then have a full run through next Tuesday and then the final piece at the Tate Modern on June 27th. Verity and Arlene and Catherine and Maryam have all offered to help and/or advise. Oriana instigated this in the first place Barbara and Para-Active/Urban Dolls gave useful critical feedback in early stages. I just have to be clear and figure out what I am doing.. I have an idea that the support systems I am seeking are less gender specific and more creative.. Some very wonderful people come into my mind and they are warm in their response to requests for assistance.. I am slowly walking.. slowly learning to make by.. just.. making.. seems so obvious but taking me years to fathom but sometimes children who are slower to learn to walk or speak are the more articulate and active once they decide to begin...I just remembered too that I made a mental note to look at Geisha Make-up as this also uses Rice Flour. In the next few days I will write to Betsy Damon and Su Friedrich. I wonder on the similarities and differences between our processes. I will stop worrying about how unsophisticated are my methods and forgive myself as a beginner...
Angry Women
I'm re-reading this book, inspired by doing this re-creating Perfromance Art project. I first read it in the early '90s.. a bit here a bit there in different women's houses I stayed in and lived in both here and in the U.S. I finally decided to own my own copy.Andrea Juno To be a warrior you have to train and be disciplined. Most people have creative impulses, but few nourish and develop them. Every day, whether you're inspired or not, you just have to work
Diamanda Galas Actually, I love to answer that question, "Are you inspired?" I think W.H. Auden once said, "NO-I'm never inspired!".. Can you imagine someone going to war who didn't know how to fight? If you try to reach the emotional levels I try for without technique, well- I've seen people in mental institutions hit their head against the wall and say "Mama!" for hours at a time, and I'm sure they meant it- but..."
Mohandas Ghandi Be the change you want to see in the World
I suppose that I am trying to situate myself.. find myself even, or is that not even the same thing as finding my practice and work patterns. I haven't been entirely consistent with this make something every day idea.. or did I just have the weekend off? On Thursday I had the idea that I would do this. I felt so discombobulated.. the high of my performance debut the preivous Thursday.. I didn't do anything spectacular, but I did it, while terribly anxious about it before hand, I enjoyed myself and I engaged my audience.. some of whom have quoted me back to me in fits of laughter which is rather gratifying. I felt cleansed, calm for 2 days after that, then resignations began to come in from the Improvisation Practice Group. It was because I had expressed "too much" anxiety to them which they saw as criticism. I spoke to Arlene who was also in Your Peer Group with me and she said that though my moods were difficult, she knew they weren't directed at her, particularly as I described them as they came.. but I suppose Marina and Ceri self- conceptualise a bit earth-mothery and I triggered their instinct to try to heal which they resented. Obviously it's not ideal to blow off as I do and have so little control over my emotions.. this is why I am exploring all these things primarily isn't it.. to find technique to use this roaring energy to effect (not to be that woman in a mental institution). Some People are vicious in their response to my moods and it is incredibly wounding, as this always happens at a moment when I'm very emotionally vulnerable. I think it's that people are attracted to me for my happy positive warm energy and are distressed to discover how dark I also am, not realising that they feed each other.
I am kind... but my shadow is brutal (to take a Jungian perspective)
To be more "balanced" is an often stated request.. but to be honest I Love extremes.. Diamanda Galas, Guillermo Gomez-Pena, Renato Paroni.. and I suppose that in a way they are "balanced" in their use of extremes as they are all highly disciplined and practiced at their respective crafts and belief systems. If one is to be extreme one must also face and accept the consequences. Katia said to me a few years ago You need either to really go for who and what you are or stop it
Juliana said We need to be Professional
I couldn't agree with that as I felt that we were a Practice Group and that we should thus express our processes and anxieties. I often go through this in classes. During working towards the Your Peer Group show, Lena would say This is part of the process, but now I think about it so did Ceri. I was in serious in Mental and Physical Pain during the workshops I have learned most from.. Guillermo Gomez-Pena, Shahar Dor, Para-Active. My bloody skeletal structure is changing for fuck's sake, espcially due to the Ballet.. it's like a second bloody adolescence, no wonder I get a bit moody..
But to go back to Juliana's Professionalism and also abovementioned discussion about Work
Linda Montano said If you are going to take a job, realise that it has its own rules and regulations. To remain naive, self-referential and non-flexible while in somebody else's playpen is cause for dismissal
It is socially acceptable to be emotionally raw and expressive in the context of Para-ctive/Urban Dolls and La Pocha Nostra in a way it just isn't with the kind of people you meet at an Andrew Morrish/ Action Theatre style workshop. I suppose Michael Branwell's Ballet classes were a bit more Action Theatre while Renato's are a bit more Guillermo.. but maybe that's unfair.. many people come to Action Theatre from technique heavy backgrounds. I should speak to Rachel in this regard and indeed to Andrew Morrish himself. I really "SHOULD" go to Devon this weekend.
Basically I haven't found my form/ practice/ way yet though I know that all of these above mentioned and other experiences and people are important signposts and guides and fellow travellers in the "right" direction. I was so lost before that I have heavily relied on guidance from others over the past few years.. also because my previous careeer had been predominantly self- taught and motivated and I'm not happy with the paths and pastures it ultimately led me to and the last few years have been all about trying to re-write my script to go places I really wish.. hindered pointlessly by terrible (but not uncommon) hangups about my age (whereas when I was younger it was being "fat and ugly" I used as basis for my self -percieved sexual unnattractiveness.
So many Cruel and Stupid Emotions get in the way of my development and my relations with others but I cannot move through them by denying them and I don't believe I'll get through them by discussing/ analysing them in a therapeutic context (been there done that). Flamenco Dance and being near the Ocean with Friends have been the most successful therapeutic tools I've found so far in this life.. also that lovely feeling of calm and release I felt after performing last week, until crushed by rejection from Ceri and Marina, maybe I do have to accept that I'm a solo performer until I eject more permanently and efficiently the Demons that seem to inhabit me, at least settle into and distort my facial expressions whenever I get too close to honest expression with other humans?
There is no call to write all this in a blog it is all rather self serving but I think it expresses that my desire is to find a way better to communicate and to live with others and me and my journals is too hermetic for me these days.. just 'cos I'm writing all this doesn't mean that anyone has to read it but I suppose that the hope is that eventually what I'm writing and making and performing will be read, enjoyed, understood and argued with in a healthy way. In the meantime I'm going to use my dear friend and sometimes co-conspirator, Arlene's advice/ method.. to take the materials that i have and just start to touch them and play with them and keep going and see where we go..
Following my Mother's Footsteps and Not following my Mother's Footsteps is obviously a Lifelong Life Project
Decorating the Box I made at my short stint at Wimbledon College of Art is just decorative but I feel something worth doing. I'm covering it with pictures from or referring to important moments of these past seven years, where the breakdown went into more Spiritual places and hope given. I'm going to line it with Red Velvet(een), and the latest though is to make a little Ballerina Jewellery Box from it but obviously that's ongoing.
I want to do more Drawing and using my Voice
After I have collaged the Box, I will Draw my Box.. No the other One, my pussy. I really regret that I threw away the Pussy Dress I made for the Musee Feminique at ATA, and while talking with Oriana about the 7000 year old woman it occurred to me that this also was Feminist Performance Art and I should make it again..
Friday, 12 June 2009
Warming up for 21 Days of Art
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June 11th work... I guess it's not Art but Decoration.. also incomplete. But I still think this is a very good discipline. To make something every day.
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Dumped
June 11th 2009
Today I felt shellshocked after great Performance debut high followed by dropped from a great height by improvisation "group" dumping me (Marina and Ceri anyway and Juliana having started a push weeks ago, Seke seems still on my side.. hopefully he's not just being a "man" about it). So confusing to feel such success and such failure about the same event.. still trying to formulate proper reply to them .. must just bash it out in morning ... They have to be acknowledged for all their greatness though I guess I feel they only acknowlege others as long as they're "good" and I'm not massively a fan of this atitude to life though I know they're worse ways so just should smile and learn.. rise above andlivenlearn...
I also had communications with Rachel, Arlene, Jana, Ellen today that reminded me that there are many perspectives on me (3/4 of these people knowing me well to the degree of seeing my emotional extremes.. and still loving me and continuing to wish to know and work with me...)...
Ok so none of the photos have come through next.. pornography police on nightshift skkeleton staff again.. gosh institutionalised prudery is soooo cooool. I fel so dafe.
Happy enjoying the pictures of me,,, xoxo
It's getting better all the time.... xooxo
I took photos of what I produced for todays art work for the 21 day continuous artmaking project but they haven't come through to my inbox in last 15 mins and so you'll have to take my word for it that I covered my box in a meaningful way...
Today I felt shellshocked after great Performance debut high followed by dropped from a great height by improvisation "group" dumping me (Marina and Ceri anyway and Juliana having started a push weeks ago, Seke seems still on my side.. hopefully he's not just being a "man" about it). So confusing to feel such success and such failure about the same event.. still trying to formulate proper reply to them .. must just bash it out in morning ... They have to be acknowledged for all their greatness though I guess I feel they only acknowlege others as long as they're "good" and I'm not massively a fan of this atitude to life though I know they're worse ways so just should smile and learn.. rise above andlivenlearn...
I also had communications with Rachel, Arlene, Jana, Ellen today that reminded me that there are many perspectives on me (3/4 of these people knowing me well to the degree of seeing my emotional extremes.. and still loving me and continuing to wish to know and work with me...)...
Ok so none of the photos have come through next.. pornography police on nightshift skkeleton staff again.. gosh institutionalised prudery is soooo cooool. I fel so dafe.
Happy enjoying the pictures of me,,, xoxo
It's getting better all the time.... xooxo
I took photos of what I produced for todays art work for the 21 day continuous artmaking project but they haven't come through to my inbox in last 15 mins and so you'll have to take my word for it that I covered my box in a meaningful way...
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Improvisation Practice Group debuts and immediately splits up.. VERY ROCK N ROLL...
JUNE 10TH 2009
So I made a resolution today that I would consider myself to be an Artist. This was due to a Train of thought..
Firstly an email from Marina saying that she was resigning from our Improvisation practice group. This makes me so sad. I love these people. I love our group. I love Marina's work. I love working with these people..
And this is after our triumphant show/event last Thursday night
She said that she had too many other projects on the go but I suspect that I have to bear some responsibility for her resignation. It all started so beautifully back in December in Andrew Morrish's workshop. There was some kind of magic between us. I felt it with Seke, Marina and Ceri most notably. There was a bit of a clash of personalities between Juliana and I but she said she thought it had great comic potential which is a brilliant attitude.
Juliana also got the ball rolling and we arranged to and did meet almost every week from January through May up until the June 4th Show.
It really was joyous, a different emphasis with each session, Movement, or voice, or song, or narrative, or characterisation, we each took it in turns to decide on warm-ups and exercises and would always perform for each other in solo, or duet or trio depending on how many people in attendance. We always stuck to the Andrew Morrish rule of saying only what we enjoyed of our own and each others work, not bothering to criticise or try to change each others work.
I love doing this kind of work. I can be myself in all its permutations....unfortunately some of those permutations are fear of other people and a tendency to take on too much and to suffer subsequently high stress levels which apparently comes forth as anger and I've so little volume control or restraint especially in these performance contexts, as, repressed so long my moooooooods jump out LIKE JACK IN A BOX ON A VERY LOOONG AND SPRRRINGY SPRING.. quite understandably, this is rather hard on other people. The situation was exacerbated by practice sessions taking place at my place and too often everyone would arrive on days I'd not left the house but briefly or seen a soul and so my moods festering and waiting for the first person to erupt to and it would too often be them.. Marina suffered particularly as she has a delicate and sensitive personality that also seeks solutions, not understanding that being told you need therapy while in a state of distress is like salt in a wound that exacerbates the feelings of alienation and loneliness, especially when I tried to find a therapist for many years and had very bad experiences.. I think that everyone suffered, though they were kind, even Juliana who never understood my requests for her to stop making comments about my personality. I am definitely (over)sensitive in these performance situations and I realise that part of my path as a person and a performer is to find healthy places to put these emotions, these sensitivities.. I genuinely don't know how to go about this without help and understanding from people around me because they like me not because they pay but somehow I have to figure this out as it is nobody's responsibility but my own.
As I have an event at my warehouse space on the first Thursday of every month it seemed obvious that we would co-host an event as a group here and we did on June 4th.
The show was beautiful. The place looked great, everyone helped plan every element and insisted some money was taken at door, there was a warm up and then a complete run-through and suddenly (to me) it seemed so wonderful and various were the possibilities of this improvisational art-form. Then Juliana and Seke went to get the booze while Marina and Ceri and I fixed up the place (me getting lost in the spaghetti of my archaic and overly complex sound systems), then Ceri went out to get ElderFlowers while Marina and Seke and Juliana took a break (while I continued to battle with the bloody sound). The Evening itself was PERFECT from the performances themselves to the face disco to the arm-bandit confessional booth to the choir to the Elderflower fritters to the Egyptian dancing to the raffle to the audience and everybodies attitude.
I have done these things once a month since October 2008. They have been all great events but an increasing drag on my energy and time. Last month was particularly draining as we did 2 in 3 days and the collaborators were particularly un-collaborative.. Ceri spelled it out most succinctly when she said that everyone was helping in the creative side of things but no-one in the production and planning side. After that show I was also getting requests for this that and the other from left right and centre and it was simply too much. Being where I live and work, even with help these shows pretty much take over my life for between 4 days and a week and I don't get enough income from them to justify this much time out of my life.
When I expressed this to the group (in my usual...ahem..."relaxed"?... way) they responded beautifully and positively and said they'd do their best to ensure that the event went smoothly and I got the support I needed. I missed the session a week before the show and they made an arrangement to have the session 2 days before the show be at Greenwich dance agency. It seemed immediately obvious to me that this would not work for me and would not be appropriate as the event was to take place at my place. Knowing how much there was to do there was no way I was going to feel able to travel all the way to Greenwich and back and concentrate simply on a practice. Unfortunately I didn't seem to be articulately putting forth my point of view and in the group emails everyone kept agreeing that it was a great idea to meet at GDA. I was starting to feel insane as they had all assurred me that they would help and had queried that maybe I simply hadn't made myself clear enough when collaborating with other people. But, as far as I can see, I think that everyone had by then decided i was irrational and were switching off parts of their brains to me.. I had become the little boy crying "Wolf" I had "protested too much" too many times before (sorry to mix my storytelling allusions). I think that this happens a lot. A lot of what I say is quite reasonable, it is just sometimes said at times which are deemed innappropriate and in a manner which many people find rather intense and intimidating and just plain exhausting.. even the aforementioned therapists.
It wasn't until a few days later that Ceri said that clarifying thing about everyone feeling like they're helping because they're giving a lot of creative input- however that leaves all the production and planning to one person- me.. Golly I have to make special mention of Ceri's de-muddling positive knit-picking ability.. she really unpacks things and then builds them up in an uncluttered light. I tried to use this inspiration positively and eventually I persuaded everyone to come to mine for the planning session and it was an extremely productive meeting and I think that everyone could see now why I had been so insistent. Marina also said at one point "Wow, there is so much to do...". I felt acknowledged at that moment, that there was a possibility for understanding me, that my emotional states had validation. But her comment was a general one, not aimed at me (quite reasonably)..
I am evidently seeking emotional release and validation and need to find a way to this that neither hurts others or disappoints me. I know that all groups are hard but I am tired of feeling like a toxic element.. or is my problem that I feel like a toxic element..
Uncharacteristically Radio 4 led me out of despair this morning. On reading Marina's email I just felt an overwhelming sadness and self-loathing (because I never appear to be able to sustain long-term close relations of any kind and this inevitably makes me sad). I turned on the radio to give my thoughts a rest and saw that there was a programme about performance art. from that I spent some time looking at the work and writings of Tehching Hsieh and Linda M. Montano, and began to see a tiny chink out of my stupidcycle with their life=art attitudes. Obviously I havent cracked out how yet.. having not worked out an alternative yet to the confessional/therapeutic model yet.. but I've given myself a 21 day plan to lay a foundation for finding a way to Live and Love and Work and Create in the Positive way I bloody well know I can. I'm going to post this now because otherwise I'll be chickening out. Gotta go to SambaReggae with Catherine in Walthamstow now.. let's see how I'm doin' on my return
xooxxoxo Lucy
So I made a resolution today that I would consider myself to be an Artist. This was due to a Train of thought..
Firstly an email from Marina saying that she was resigning from our Improvisation practice group. This makes me so sad. I love these people. I love our group. I love Marina's work. I love working with these people..
And this is after our triumphant show/event last Thursday night
She said that she had too many other projects on the go but I suspect that I have to bear some responsibility for her resignation. It all started so beautifully back in December in Andrew Morrish's workshop. There was some kind of magic between us. I felt it with Seke, Marina and Ceri most notably. There was a bit of a clash of personalities between Juliana and I but she said she thought it had great comic potential which is a brilliant attitude. Juliana also got the ball rolling and we arranged to and did meet almost every week from January through May up until the June 4th Show.
It really was joyous, a different emphasis with each session, Movement, or voice, or song, or narrative, or characterisation, we each took it in turns to decide on warm-ups and exercises and would always perform for each other in solo, or duet or trio depending on how many people in attendance. We always stuck to the Andrew Morrish rule of saying only what we enjoyed of our own and each others work, not bothering to criticise or try to change each others work.
I love doing this kind of work. I can be myself in all its permutations....unfortunately some of those permutations are fear of other people and a tendency to take on too much and to suffer subsequently high stress levels which apparently comes forth as anger and I've so little volume control or restraint especially in these performance contexts, as, repressed so long my moooooooods jump out LIKE JACK IN A BOX ON A VERY LOOONG AND SPRRRINGY SPRING.. quite understandably, this is rather hard on other people. The situation was exacerbated by practice sessions taking place at my place and too often everyone would arrive on days I'd not left the house but briefly or seen a soul and so my moods festering and waiting for the first person to erupt to and it would too often be them.. Marina suffered particularly as she has a delicate and sensitive personality that also seeks solutions, not understanding that being told you need therapy while in a state of distress is like salt in a wound that exacerbates the feelings of alienation and loneliness, especially when I tried to find a therapist for many years and had very bad experiences.. I think that everyone suffered, though they were kind, even Juliana who never understood my requests for her to stop making comments about my personality. I am definitely (over)sensitive in these performance situations and I realise that part of my path as a person and a performer is to find healthy places to put these emotions, these sensitivities.. I genuinely don't know how to go about this without help and understanding from people around me because they like me not because they pay but somehow I have to figure this out as it is nobody's responsibility but my own.
As I have an event at my warehouse space on the first Thursday of every month it seemed obvious that we would co-host an event as a group here and we did on June 4th.
The show was beautiful. The place looked great, everyone helped plan every element and insisted some money was taken at door, there was a warm up and then a complete run-through and suddenly (to me) it seemed so wonderful and various were the possibilities of this improvisational art-form. Then Juliana and Seke went to get the booze while Marina and Ceri and I fixed up the place (me getting lost in the spaghetti of my archaic and overly complex sound systems), then Ceri went out to get ElderFlowers while Marina and Seke and Juliana took a break (while I continued to battle with the bloody sound). The Evening itself was PERFECT from the performances themselves to the face disco to the arm-bandit confessional booth to the choir to the Elderflower fritters to the Egyptian dancing to the raffle to the audience and everybodies attitude.
I have done these things once a month since October 2008. They have been all great events but an increasing drag on my energy and time. Last month was particularly draining as we did 2 in 3 days and the collaborators were particularly un-collaborative.. Ceri spelled it out most succinctly when she said that everyone was helping in the creative side of things but no-one in the production and planning side. After that show I was also getting requests for this that and the other from left right and centre and it was simply too much. Being where I live and work, even with help these shows pretty much take over my life for between 4 days and a week and I don't get enough income from them to justify this much time out of my life.
When I expressed this to the group (in my usual...ahem..."relaxed"?... way) they responded beautifully and positively and said they'd do their best to ensure that the event went smoothly and I got the support I needed. I missed the session a week before the show and they made an arrangement to have the session 2 days before the show be at Greenwich dance agency. It seemed immediately obvious to me that this would not work for me and would not be appropriate as the event was to take place at my place. Knowing how much there was to do there was no way I was going to feel able to travel all the way to Greenwich and back and concentrate simply on a practice. Unfortunately I didn't seem to be articulately putting forth my point of view and in the group emails everyone kept agreeing that it was a great idea to meet at GDA. I was starting to feel insane as they had all assurred me that they would help and had queried that maybe I simply hadn't made myself clear enough when collaborating with other people. But, as far as I can see, I think that everyone had by then decided i was irrational and were switching off parts of their brains to me.. I had become the little boy crying "Wolf" I had "protested too much" too many times before (sorry to mix my storytelling allusions). I think that this happens a lot. A lot of what I say is quite reasonable, it is just sometimes said at times which are deemed innappropriate and in a manner which many people find rather intense and intimidating and just plain exhausting.. even the aforementioned therapists.
It wasn't until a few days later that Ceri said that clarifying thing about everyone feeling like they're helping because they're giving a lot of creative input- however that leaves all the production and planning to one person- me.. Golly I have to make special mention of Ceri's de-muddling positive knit-picking ability.. she really unpacks things and then builds them up in an uncluttered light. I tried to use this inspiration positively and eventually I persuaded everyone to come to mine for the planning session and it was an extremely productive meeting and I think that everyone could see now why I had been so insistent. Marina also said at one point "Wow, there is so much to do...". I felt acknowledged at that moment, that there was a possibility for understanding me, that my emotional states had validation. But her comment was a general one, not aimed at me (quite reasonably)..
I am evidently seeking emotional release and validation and need to find a way to this that neither hurts others or disappoints me. I know that all groups are hard but I am tired of feeling like a toxic element.. or is my problem that I feel like a toxic element..
Uncharacteristically Radio 4 led me out of despair this morning. On reading Marina's email I just felt an overwhelming sadness and self-loathing (because I never appear to be able to sustain long-term close relations of any kind and this inevitably makes me sad). I turned on the radio to give my thoughts a rest and saw that there was a programme about performance art. from that I spent some time looking at the work and writings of Tehching Hsieh and Linda M. Montano, and began to see a tiny chink out of my stupidcycle with their life=art attitudes. Obviously I havent cracked out how yet.. having not worked out an alternative yet to the confessional/therapeutic model yet.. but I've given myself a 21 day plan to lay a foundation for finding a way to Live and Love and Work and Create in the Positive way I bloody well know I can. I'm going to post this now because otherwise I'll be chickening out. Gotta go to SambaReggae with Catherine in Walthamstow now.. let's see how I'm doin' on my return
xooxxoxo Lucy
Follwing Mother's Footsteps
21 days to make a lovin' artist out of lil' ol' me
DAY ONE
June 10th 2009
Journal: I just got back from spending 2 days in Birkenhead. I had suggested to my mum that we go see Maggi Hambling paintings of George Melly that were being displayed in Liverpool as my parents used to take me with them to see him when I was little and wonderful he was too
Of course we could never find a time when we both could go until a week after the exhibition ended. By that time Mum had also decided to show me where she had grown up in Birkenhead (the other side of the Mersey from Liverpool.. the place the Ferry goes to and from..). In lieu of Maggie and Melly Mum decided we should go see the Antony Gormley statues that were apparently at the beach at Formby.. but though we walked and walked we never got there me (as usual) stuggling to follow my Mother's striding footsteps..
These pictures were taken within seconds of each other. At this point I gave up and recorded where I had come from to remind myself that I did nevertheless exist..
.. and that we simply took divergent paths.. we never did find the Gormley statues. Some Kite Flyers on the beach told us that they were in fact 10 miles up the beach at Crosby, so we trudged back through the sand towards the railway station. En route we met two park rangers who told us that we in fact needed to go to Seaforth. More interestingly they told us that the Pox carried by Grey Squirrels had decimated the population of Red Squirrels that was here one of the last remaining (we had also passed a dead rabbit, that apparently had had mixematosis.. a variant of Pox), they also told us about the Friends of the Red Squirrel.. If you've ever encountered a Red Squirrel at close quarters you'll know why this matters..
.. at Seaforth we were told that the nearest station was actually Waterloo (no. not the one in London), at which point we gave up..
... and went back to Birkenhead and Mum's old convent school friend Christine with whom we were staying and who was just finishing teaching a Piano Lesson after which they showed me the big house Mum's Grandparents caretook and where they all lived in the basement (and grew all their own fruit and veg in the big garden of) until Mum was 13, and to the Flat in the Housing estate where they then moved and where her Grandmother died when Mum was 15 and where she lived with her Step-Grandfather, and the land that was once their school and now a more up market housing estate, where Mum had been tutored by her History teacher Sister McVeigh to take her Oxford Entrance (first ever from the school), and where they were all persecuted by the made up sounding Sister Magdalena, Sister Sebastian, Sister Mary of the Rosary...
Then we had dinner in a nice local restaurant and watched telly and drank rose and argued about drugs and politics and slept and got up early the next day for breakfast then Christine took us to take the ferry back across the Mersey and a walk through Liverpool back to Lime Street Station.
My Mum is a Historian. But she rarely discusses her own History. This is the most I ever gleaned. Interesting. Disorientating. Mum now reckons I've inherited Scouse humour from her..hmm
DAY ONE
June 10th 2009
Journal: I just got back from spending 2 days in Birkenhead. I had suggested to my mum that we go see Maggi Hambling paintings of George Melly that were being displayed in Liverpool as my parents used to take me with them to see him when I was little and wonderful he was too
Of course we could never find a time when we both could go until a week after the exhibition ended. By that time Mum had also decided to show me where she had grown up in Birkenhead (the other side of the Mersey from Liverpool.. the place the Ferry goes to and from..). In lieu of Maggie and Melly Mum decided we should go see the Antony Gormley statues that were apparently at the beach at Formby.. but though we walked and walked we never got there me (as usual) stuggling to follow my Mother's striding footsteps..
These pictures were taken within seconds of each other. At this point I gave up and recorded where I had come from to remind myself that I did nevertheless exist..
.. and that we simply took divergent paths.. we never did find the Gormley statues. Some Kite Flyers on the beach told us that they were in fact 10 miles up the beach at Crosby, so we trudged back through the sand towards the railway station. En route we met two park rangers who told us that we in fact needed to go to Seaforth. More interestingly they told us that the Pox carried by Grey Squirrels had decimated the population of Red Squirrels that was here one of the last remaining (we had also passed a dead rabbit, that apparently had had mixematosis.. a variant of Pox), they also told us about the Friends of the Red Squirrel.. If you've ever encountered a Red Squirrel at close quarters you'll know why this matters.... at Seaforth we were told that the nearest station was actually Waterloo (no. not the one in London), at which point we gave up..
... and went back to Birkenhead and Mum's old convent school friend Christine with whom we were staying and who was just finishing teaching a Piano Lesson after which they showed me the big house Mum's Grandparents caretook and where they all lived in the basement (and grew all their own fruit and veg in the big garden of) until Mum was 13, and to the Flat in the Housing estate where they then moved and where her Grandmother died when Mum was 15 and where she lived with her Step-Grandfather, and the land that was once their school and now a more up market housing estate, where Mum had been tutored by her History teacher Sister McVeigh to take her Oxford Entrance (first ever from the school), and where they were all persecuted by the made up sounding Sister Magdalena, Sister Sebastian, Sister Mary of the Rosary...
Then we had dinner in a nice local restaurant and watched telly and drank rose and argued about drugs and politics and slept and got up early the next day for breakfast then Christine took us to take the ferry back across the Mersey and a walk through Liverpool back to Lime Street Station.
My Mum is a Historian. But she rarely discusses her own History. This is the most I ever gleaned. Interesting. Disorientating. Mum now reckons I've inherited Scouse humour from her..hmm
21 DAYS OF ART
Wednesday June 10th
WEDNESDAY JUNE 10TH 2009
Not a notable day in any general sense to my knowledge but I just decided to make it a notable day in my life
I have spent a lot of time worrying about money and training.. trying to make money in order to train in order to become an artist and regretting that I didn't go to Art School, that I pushed my self too hard and broke down, that I take too long picking myself up, that I'm too open about my failings and feelings (so people are afraid and call me mad and back off), that I run from Love then beg for it which pushes it still further away, that my first Loves and Creative Career ended in breakdown and so I am afraid that this will happen again if I give myself again to Love and Art.
When all along.. even when in training I was in training as an artist, even when not being paid, or I was paying for training I was an Artist. I am an Artist and everything I do is Art and now I have this conviction I am much more likely to be paid (as who pays those who are unsure of who they are and what they are doing? Also I have made money from my work many times before- why not now?). And why not Love myself and Love Men as themselves and see what happens...
My focus now becomes my creative work which is inextricably linked with my well-being and development as a person and my relations with other people
Every day for the next 21 days every troubling or distracting thought and feeling will be transformed into idea, action and/or artpiece
Every day will begin with this in mind
Apparently it takes 21 days to turn an action into a habit. I will start today and thus by June 30th.. the last day of June, this will be my habit and I will be a fully fledged Artist...
WEDNESDAY JUNE 10TH 2009
Not a notable day in any general sense to my knowledge but I just decided to make it a notable day in my life
I have spent a lot of time worrying about money and training.. trying to make money in order to train in order to become an artist and regretting that I didn't go to Art School, that I pushed my self too hard and broke down, that I take too long picking myself up, that I'm too open about my failings and feelings (so people are afraid and call me mad and back off), that I run from Love then beg for it which pushes it still further away, that my first Loves and Creative Career ended in breakdown and so I am afraid that this will happen again if I give myself again to Love and Art.
When all along.. even when in training I was in training as an artist, even when not being paid, or I was paying for training I was an Artist. I am an Artist and everything I do is Art and now I have this conviction I am much more likely to be paid (as who pays those who are unsure of who they are and what they are doing? Also I have made money from my work many times before- why not now?). And why not Love myself and Love Men as themselves and see what happens...
My focus now becomes my creative work which is inextricably linked with my well-being and development as a person and my relations with other people
Every day for the next 21 days every troubling or distracting thought and feeling will be transformed into idea, action and/or artpiece
Every day will begin with this in mind
Apparently it takes 21 days to turn an action into a habit. I will start today and thus by June 30th.. the last day of June, this will be my habit and I will be a fully fledged Artist...
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Red Shoe Films First Thursday and Saturday May 2009
Hellooo, So yeah there were two quite Lovely Shows here at Red SHoe Space in the past few days
On Thursday
On the same day as the SSHHHHSHOW Lena were getting married in Portland Oregon and Nora and Trevor (My old Friends, their new friends, great people) photographed them and phoned the photos to my computer. Meanwhile I and my friends in London communicated all Saturday Night via Skype with 119 Gallery in Boston Massachusetts, having been introduced t each other by our dear now marrie friend Lena. It was an inspirational evening. I will post these photos then sleep then soon elaborate...
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
My self- image, Forced Entertainment and youmebumbumtrain
FORTY ONE YEARS OLD. STARTED BALLET CLASSES AT 40. BORN WITH A DISLOCATED HIP. NO OIL PAINTING. OVERWEIGHT. BRIGHT RED FACE. DRINKS TOO MUCH. A VERY SUMMER/ WINTER PERSONALITY. DRESSED IN A LEOTARD AND TUTU SHOWING OFF HER FIRST PIROUETTE TO A CAMERA
Please post two copies of:
o A letter outlining your experience and explaining why you want to work with
Forced Entertainment. Maximum 700 words.
o CV.
And a single copy of:
o Film clip burned to DVD.
o The film clip should be no longer than ten minutes and divided into two
parts. Part one (5 minutes) - talking to camera. Explain something of who
you are and what you are interested in. Part two (5 minutes) should show
you in a performance of some kind. This can be documentation excerpt from
of an existing work or an action/improv recorded specially for the tape. This
is to get a feel for who you are, not to assess your video skills. High
production values are not essential. Fancy editing is not encouraged.
The deadline for application is 12noon on Tuesday 31st March 2009.
Application requirements.
Could you please send a CV or biography telling me about your training and past experience. Please also supply a referee’s contact details who knows your capabilities.
Please answer the following-
1) Why would you like to do this project
2) What do you hope to gain from it and how might it help your future work
3) What do you think you can bring to the project (ie what are the strengths and skill you have that you think will be beneficial for the role)
4) What is your aim for the future
Please post two copies of:
o A letter outlining your experience and explaining why you want to work with
Forced Entertainment. Maximum 700 words.
o CV.
And a single copy of:
o Film clip burned to DVD.
o The film clip should be no longer than ten minutes and divided into two
parts. Part one (5 minutes) - talking to camera. Explain something of who
you are and what you are interested in. Part two (5 minutes) should show
you in a performance of some kind. This can be documentation excerpt from
of an existing work or an action/improv recorded specially for the tape. This
is to get a feel for who you are, not to assess your video skills. High
production values are not essential. Fancy editing is not encouraged.
The deadline for application is 12noon on Tuesday 31st March 2009.
Application requirements.
Could you please send a CV or biography telling me about your training and past experience. Please also supply a referee’s contact details who knows your capabilities.
Please answer the following-
1) Why would you like to do this project
2) What do you hope to gain from it and how might it help your future work
3) What do you think you can bring to the project (ie what are the strengths and skill you have that you think will be beneficial for the role)
4) What is your aim for the future
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
Blogging the Blogs
I find writing a blog hard for 2 reasons:
1. the fear that someone will read what I write and think it dumb
2. that nobody will bother to read my blog
I am entering a new phase in life.. developing new practice and areas of interest. I have spent the past year or so concentrating on getting my body fit, learning some perfromative practices and beginning to meet some like-minded souls with whom to practice and hopefully perform > i have also dipped my toes in the waters of performance itself. I am also trying to develop my studio as an experimental performance space and trying to figure out how to make a living from all these things..
As these have all been rather unfamiliar things I threw myself in headless. I come from a very cerebral and linear medium..documentary filmmaking (I also learned to edit during the linear editing phase of video) and so it was necessary to shake away this mind. But now my body is becoming a more malleable and friendly "tool" My mind is yearning again for attention.
I have used a diary since 1993. I have huge numbers of them and I love them as physical objects and also use them as reference to previous events etc. This attachment to them as physical objects makes it hard for me to love the blog- as its dependence on electricity makes it feel so intangible to me... and yet.. perhaps though my books may rot though may these thoughts live forever...who cares.. does it matter more or less if what I produce exists in 2 dimensions or 3? Blahblahblah.. I will bounce between the two for a while and see what happens...
If anyone is reading this I beg you see this as a warm-up before the Ballet.. I'm putting into motion the parts of the mind I may be using in the main event, also discarding unhealthy habits that may have clung to me through the day... beginning to place myselg in a place of meditation from whence I may begin...
WHAT?!?!
...So I LOVE PURPLE PROSE.........Were you honestly expecting minimalism! CHEEEESH!
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
Liz Aggiss at the Place Theatre
Went to see "A night with Liz Aggiss" tonight at the Place... ......... .......... ............ she is an inspiration and a divine performer and her "eleven daughters" both funny and a very satisfying moving artwork. IT is also rather moving to be offered the teeny windows on Dance History of their reconstructions.. of Loie Fuller, of Mary Wigman, of many moments otherwise lost.
I keep feeling a niggle lately.. a niggle with the term "feminism".. I am certainly feminist, but I think I am of the mind that "feminism" is useful for overt political action, whereas when one is talking of culture that I feel included by and do not have to translate (unlike the vast majority) it is often labelled "Feminist". It seems that this is only so because it concerns the "feminine" i.e any thing a woman does, as if we are performing some kind of minority activity.. We then are accused of never having any Grand ideas that encompass the whole of Society, when the truth is that we do, frequently, but they are ever marginalised as "Feminist", rather than as expressions of reality.. and we who care about such things get confused as to disclaim things as Feminist can sometimes feel anti-feminist... know what I mean...?
Anyway before The Liz Aggiss show I went to a Graham class at the Place, taught by the fabulous Katja Nyquist, I really enjoy her classes and also Graham (Martha Graham) technique, which is very Feminist or is it simply a technique that massively suite the female body more than the male.. Part of my love for it is that it feels like getting to know my "Core" in a way less silly that a '70s encounter group watching their pussies mirrors in hands... as it is Dance and thus affects the way you move and are... not just how you think about your situation... hmm a theme is developing that I hopefully will figure out more articulately.
I then went to meet my mate David to go to the Liz Aggiss show. Afterwoards I met with Marina and her two friends whose names are both Kate.
Check out Kate Rowles http://katerowleshomevideo.blogspot.com
I don't know yet if KateAshman also has a blog...
It is often quoted but never goes out of date.
Was it Rebecca West or Emma Goldman who said
"I am always called a Feminist when I express opinions that distinguish me from a doormat or a prostitute"
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
Email from Lena "How are you Doing?"
My mate Lena movevd to Portland and asked me how I was doing...
1. Had true Epiphany in Ballet last week. My body really begins to feel capable of surpassing (my) previous expectations. I felt a strength and Leap-ability; I begin to function from my centre which makes my uneven doctor-tampered Hip less of a liability. I woke up the next day feeling like I'd fallen in Love, I scanned my memory and realised that it was that total feeling I'd had in the Dance for a moment... Like Love.
2. Performed yesterday in Day one of Carnavale- Mascarada- a Commedia Del Arte day at the Italian Cultural Institute- organised by a top British Commedia practitioner- we were there as end of the Commedia Workshop I have been partaking of (which is why I am (unusually) home on a Monday evening- the workshop is now over ( I plan to fill ensuing Mondays with sessions at circus space.. clowning... tumbling...or trapeze...)
We had warmups/ workshops all afternoon then "performed"/ interacted with the crowd all evening
It revealed/confirmed some important things:
a. After our warmups etc I was selected to play "First Actress" which shows I can be perceived as Lady-like and a Dancer - not my self perception thus far... v gratifying the cute male photographers recorded me often and hooded their eyes when speaking to me and small girls gasped with pleasure when I spoke to them... one little girl also proceeded to give Princess lessons after I opened my "rude" mouth!
b. I really want and neeeed VOICE classes - I just don't know what to do with it- to sing- make sounds- react etc etc (Marina from my practice group does teach this and so hopefully I will get to experience this soon- I also want to do some SHahar Dor recommended classes but I think I really need to find some funding for this...
c. I really want and need Acting technique classes - to find some techniques that work for me
d. I am shy and I want these techniques as framework in which I may roam free
e. I am not a devotee of "Theatre" "Acting" It is something else I want
3. The Yoga Naomi has been doing each week a real boon and the perfect balance with Ballet. She's going a way on tour for 5 weeks from next week boohoo - Caroline and I are going to keep meeting at 5-6 every wednesday to do something that'll make us feel as or nearly as great.. this week we're going swimming at the Lido (maybe that's enough each week..). I also have a beautiful new Red Bike which is much better for my bike so I'm cycling much more again and bought 2 ancient wooden tennis rackets for a tenner and Barbara and I going to find a weekly time to meet for tennis. I won't become fanatic - well no more than I am about everything!) but I am enjoying feeling like myself again- I can fit into jeans I haven't been able to wear for about 3 years and my posture definitely a lot improved and the pain almost absent woowoowoo- the latter obviously the Number One bonus...
4. I did the 1st day of Gary Stevens practice lab but the commedia opportunity clashed with day 2. It was quite fun (Harriet said Day 2 was a bit more satisfying) but I felt that just as my Commedia experience confirmed I'm not a "Theatre" person, I'm not into Contemporary/ Conceptual/Vague Art really either (although Harriet also pointed out how quite similar but much better was Gerry Pilgrim's workshops in the same location- I quite agree). But this did help me in one way. I have been increasingly ceasing to regret not having gone to Art School all those years ago. Maybe I was just always going to feel alienated till I reached my 40s- maybe I have been taking "my correct path" after all (I've been convinced I'd be a supper successful Artist by now if I'd gone that way but I guess I have to admit that it's cool I've gone the Frank Sinatra/ Sid Vicious route (but way cooler 'cos neither dead junkie or mafiosi)
5. I am still awaiting my Grandfathers Naval records. I have decided to commence by making a smaller piece of work for the London Bridge Festival in July based around his experiences in the battle of north cape dg world war two. The HMS Belfast was in the battle with his ship, the Duke of York and I want to do a pice of work on the riverside nearby that is in part about the difficulties of piecing together history- how different our experiences have been - illustrated in part by how different is my experience of proximity to hms belfast is to how his was. I have contacted hms belfast and my contact at imperial war museum (who remembered me from filming reconstruction of nelson's funeral from belfast in 2005) and have sent them follow up emails- perhaps buit vague. I attach it to this too for your opinion if you have time. I am reading the 2nd world war naval classic "The Cruel Sea" (and watched the movie last week)- it is fantastic in all its details- b v much from the Officer perspective.. gives more "grist to my mill" !?! I described the basic story to Manu and Mukul and then to Sebastian as I saw them all while I was in the middle of writing it and they all said independently that I MUST perform these stories in public. I saw Barbara also the day before and she said "I just want you to tell your stories" (I think this is also another reason I really want some Voice Coaching- I want to have real range and weight to what I do.. I also want to work with others)
6. So as referred to above the Practice Group inspired by Andrew Morrish continues to thrive. There are 5 of us- we have NEVER all of us been there since the Andrew Morrish wokshop itself and Seke's off to Zimbabwe (where his dad is) and South Africa (where he's help DV8 cast their next piece) for a month so we're having a practice and dinner here Thursday Night (and still we may not all overlap- Juliana only their at beginning and Ceri only there at end. I've been the only mainstay (I have less work than anyone else!) - They are such a lovely group of people- really lovely. It is amazingly relaxed yet intense and everyone really enjoys working here at my space. I think that this Thursday I'll suggest that we build a first thursday around our practice I think we should have something to work toward and to ensure that Seke has it in his mind to return to.
7. Jelly Royale, 3 lovely girls, a great band that are friends of Sebastian and Tomokos, have begun to practice weekly at my place- they also run the Bicycle powered cinema and are totally up for helping me make money for this place with bicycle powered gigs. I am thinking of Placing a large thermometer on the wall saying how much is needed to cover the rent and bills each month and getting more people in using the place to practice and teach in. There are to be workshops in the weekend after next weeks first thursday. I think that this is to try to instigate more of this kind of stuff happening here
8. Next First Thursday is in ten days time- I have some promises of original performance/ dancepieces by Antonio, his mate Andrew, Marina (from my practice group), Catherine (who's lovely legs are on my door) and of Dance photographs by Barbara, Quintina, Javier and the boyfriend of one of the people in my Commedia Class. I intend to ask a recently met balkan musician Mischka and Catherines Samba drummer husband Trevor and perhaps Melissa and Dennis to play as I want the evening to escalate and descend into more and more people joining in the dancing. I'll ask Aidan to deejay (gypsy stuff) or maybe Tina's Antonio (also Gypsy stuff). I suppose that it is appropriate that this feels the least set up-dance and music so spontaneous, mercurial, visceral, would be inverse to pin it down- though I must begin the process of pepping up.. perhaps tomorrow and next day I also try to make flyer that evokes my strong feelings about these things- as it connects also to this so useful process I'm doing at this moment thanks to you of deconstructing all the things I'm doing in my life right now and the work I must next do to develop this. Marina and Catherine at the moment are set to do workshops. Many people I thought I could rely on are away that weekend- eek- but there are more I can ask- though it is short notice. Sebastian and I planning a kid's disco for the Sunday. I have a lot of work and thinking to do next few days on this.. I think I'll only go out for Ballet class for a few days..
9. I've had 2 enquiries in past month about one of my punk movies. I really need to develop website. sales. paypal and all that stuff...yes...?
10. MONEY: First Thursdays and hiring this space out more and trying to find funding. Classes taking place here? Make giant thermometer. I think that I also should find some kind of part-time job - though it would have to be daytime weekdays 'cos of Dance classes. Even a shop job or something. Or I should sell something on-line. Any ideas?
I think that about covers it. I feel positive.I don't know EXACTLY what it is I want to do in terms of CATEGORIZABILITY (and frankly don't wish to yet categorise myself- though may call myself Performing Artist in Training for Application purposes.... I do know what I want to learn and some of what I want to make work about and I do have an increasing tangible support/creative/ friendship structure around me plus my own fantastic experimentation workshop and access to some amazing teachers. A nagging desire is to travel, to see more of this incredible world and this is included in my needs for study, also developing myslef as a performing artist/Maestro as well as integral to my grandfather's story (not to mention to finding the home by and sea to share with my lovely lover, children and community, base of operations after 2012 when lease on this place expires again). I am also trying to make myself write after classes- the Content as well as how it felt. I think that this also indicates that the fog is at last beginning to clear. I don't know if you have any note-taking tips..? I
CONCLUSION:
Things I must do:
Set up next First Thursday and Workshops
Continue Ballet classes at least 2 (pref. 3 times a week)
Write down exactly what are my outgoings/financial needs to keep up this place- work out a plan of action for Red Shoe Space paying for itself
Make Giant Thermometer Graphic (or see if Anja has the one we used raising money for Tony's Cafe)
Complete my website find a way to make money on-line
Track down images of myself performing in "Handbag", "BumBumTrain", "La Mascarada" (and in future speak to the photographers direct as all Artists are hopeless at providing footage, including myself)
Find financing to take an intro to acting class at the Actors Centre (for instance) £550
Find financing to do a Voice course recommended by Shahar Dor
Find financing to take French mime/ physical theatre class?
Find financing to R+D "Hubert"
Organise meeting with Arts Council Live Art/ Theatre person
Do Voice classes with Marina
Find someone who wants to teach acting classes at my place
Take Circus Space classes
Make Hubert (my grandfather) piece for London Bridge Festival in July
Write down my stories and start to perform them in public
Take Sten's Action Theatre Course?
Write to Arlene saying that I find just not showing up rather disruptive and saying let's do July Your Peer Group First Thursday and Organically try acquire new members
Plan Practice Group First Thursday
Remember that men I find sexy and attractive are just human beings and I like human beings and do not need to treat them in any way different to any other kind of human being and just don't put up any barricades to anything further happening
THANKS FOR ASKING ME TO DO THIS ANGEL FRIEND- Of course it has taken me 3 hours rather than the one you recommended- but I think that's why I probably wouldn't have done it without your stimulation.. being, as I am ever best at thnking when thinking aloud. You're amazing. You don't have to respond comprehensively but obviously any responses will be most gratefully received. I think greater clarity has been achieved but... oh okay pleeeeeeeease let me know what you think!!
1. Had true Epiphany in Ballet last week. My body really begins to feel capable of surpassing (my) previous expectations. I felt a strength and Leap-ability; I begin to function from my centre which makes my uneven doctor-tampered Hip less of a liability. I woke up the next day feeling like I'd fallen in Love, I scanned my memory and realised that it was that total feeling I'd had in the Dance for a moment... Like Love.
2. Performed yesterday in Day one of Carnavale- Mascarada- a Commedia Del Arte day at the Italian Cultural Institute- organised by a top British Commedia practitioner- we were there as end of the Commedia Workshop I have been partaking of (which is why I am (unusually) home on a Monday evening- the workshop is now over ( I plan to fill ensuing Mondays with sessions at circus space.. clowning... tumbling...or trapeze...)
We had warmups/ workshops all afternoon then "performed"/ interacted with the crowd all evening
It revealed/confirmed some important things:
a. After our warmups etc I was selected to play "First Actress" which shows I can be perceived as Lady-like and a Dancer - not my self perception thus far... v gratifying the cute male photographers recorded me often and hooded their eyes when speaking to me and small girls gasped with pleasure when I spoke to them... one little girl also proceeded to give Princess lessons after I opened my "rude" mouth!
b. I really want and neeeed VOICE classes - I just don't know what to do with it- to sing- make sounds- react etc etc (Marina from my practice group does teach this and so hopefully I will get to experience this soon- I also want to do some SHahar Dor recommended classes but I think I really need to find some funding for this...
c. I really want and need Acting technique classes - to find some techniques that work for me
d. I am shy and I want these techniques as framework in which I may roam free
e. I am not a devotee of "Theatre" "Acting" It is something else I want
3. The Yoga Naomi has been doing each week a real boon and the perfect balance with Ballet. She's going a way on tour for 5 weeks from next week boohoo - Caroline and I are going to keep meeting at 5-6 every wednesday to do something that'll make us feel as or nearly as great.. this week we're going swimming at the Lido (maybe that's enough each week..). I also have a beautiful new Red Bike which is much better for my bike so I'm cycling much more again and bought 2 ancient wooden tennis rackets for a tenner and Barbara and I going to find a weekly time to meet for tennis. I won't become fanatic - well no more than I am about everything!) but I am enjoying feeling like myself again- I can fit into jeans I haven't been able to wear for about 3 years and my posture definitely a lot improved and the pain almost absent woowoowoo- the latter obviously the Number One bonus...
4. I did the 1st day of Gary Stevens practice lab but the commedia opportunity clashed with day 2. It was quite fun (Harriet said Day 2 was a bit more satisfying) but I felt that just as my Commedia experience confirmed I'm not a "Theatre" person, I'm not into Contemporary/ Conceptual/Vague Art really either (although Harriet also pointed out how quite similar but much better was Gerry Pilgrim's workshops in the same location- I quite agree). But this did help me in one way. I have been increasingly ceasing to regret not having gone to Art School all those years ago. Maybe I was just always going to feel alienated till I reached my 40s- maybe I have been taking "my correct path" after all (I've been convinced I'd be a supper successful Artist by now if I'd gone that way but I guess I have to admit that it's cool I've gone the Frank Sinatra/ Sid Vicious route (but way cooler 'cos neither dead junkie or mafiosi)
5. I am still awaiting my Grandfathers Naval records. I have decided to commence by making a smaller piece of work for the London Bridge Festival in July based around his experiences in the battle of north cape dg world war two. The HMS Belfast was in the battle with his ship, the Duke of York and I want to do a pice of work on the riverside nearby that is in part about the difficulties of piecing together history- how different our experiences have been - illustrated in part by how different is my experience of proximity to hms belfast is to how his was. I have contacted hms belfast and my contact at imperial war museum (who remembered me from filming reconstruction of nelson's funeral from belfast in 2005) and have sent them follow up emails- perhaps buit vague. I attach it to this too for your opinion if you have time. I am reading the 2nd world war naval classic "The Cruel Sea" (and watched the movie last week)- it is fantastic in all its details- b v much from the Officer perspective.. gives more "grist to my mill" !?! I described the basic story to Manu and Mukul and then to Sebastian as I saw them all while I was in the middle of writing it and they all said independently that I MUST perform these stories in public. I saw Barbara also the day before and she said "I just want you to tell your stories" (I think this is also another reason I really want some Voice Coaching- I want to have real range and weight to what I do.. I also want to work with others)
6. So as referred to above the Practice Group inspired by Andrew Morrish continues to thrive. There are 5 of us- we have NEVER all of us been there since the Andrew Morrish wokshop itself and Seke's off to Zimbabwe (where his dad is) and South Africa (where he's help DV8 cast their next piece) for a month so we're having a practice and dinner here Thursday Night (and still we may not all overlap- Juliana only their at beginning and Ceri only there at end. I've been the only mainstay (I have less work than anyone else!) - They are such a lovely group of people- really lovely. It is amazingly relaxed yet intense and everyone really enjoys working here at my space. I think that this Thursday I'll suggest that we build a first thursday around our practice I think we should have something to work toward and to ensure that Seke has it in his mind to return to.
7. Jelly Royale, 3 lovely girls, a great band that are friends of Sebastian and Tomokos, have begun to practice weekly at my place- they also run the Bicycle powered cinema and are totally up for helping me make money for this place with bicycle powered gigs. I am thinking of Placing a large thermometer on the wall saying how much is needed to cover the rent and bills each month and getting more people in using the place to practice and teach in. There are to be workshops in the weekend after next weeks first thursday. I think that this is to try to instigate more of this kind of stuff happening here
8. Next First Thursday is in ten days time- I have some promises of original performance/ dancepieces by Antonio, his mate Andrew, Marina (from my practice group), Catherine (who's lovely legs are on my door) and of Dance photographs by Barbara, Quintina, Javier and the boyfriend of one of the people in my Commedia Class. I intend to ask a recently met balkan musician Mischka and Catherines Samba drummer husband Trevor and perhaps Melissa and Dennis to play as I want the evening to escalate and descend into more and more people joining in the dancing. I'll ask Aidan to deejay (gypsy stuff) or maybe Tina's Antonio (also Gypsy stuff). I suppose that it is appropriate that this feels the least set up-dance and music so spontaneous, mercurial, visceral, would be inverse to pin it down- though I must begin the process of pepping up.. perhaps tomorrow and next day I also try to make flyer that evokes my strong feelings about these things- as it connects also to this so useful process I'm doing at this moment thanks to you of deconstructing all the things I'm doing in my life right now and the work I must next do to develop this. Marina and Catherine at the moment are set to do workshops. Many people I thought I could rely on are away that weekend- eek- but there are more I can ask- though it is short notice. Sebastian and I planning a kid's disco for the Sunday. I have a lot of work and thinking to do next few days on this.. I think I'll only go out for Ballet class for a few days..
9. I've had 2 enquiries in past month about one of my punk movies. I really need to develop website. sales. paypal and all that stuff...yes...?
10. MONEY: First Thursdays and hiring this space out more and trying to find funding. Classes taking place here? Make giant thermometer. I think that I also should find some kind of part-time job - though it would have to be daytime weekdays 'cos of Dance classes. Even a shop job or something. Or I should sell something on-line. Any ideas?
I think that about covers it. I feel positive.I don't know EXACTLY what it is I want to do in terms of CATEGORIZABILITY (and frankly don't wish to yet categorise myself- though may call myself Performing Artist in Training for Application purposes.... I do know what I want to learn and some of what I want to make work about and I do have an increasing tangible support/creative/ friendship structure around me plus my own fantastic experimentation workshop and access to some amazing teachers. A nagging desire is to travel, to see more of this incredible world and this is included in my needs for study, also developing myslef as a performing artist/Maestro as well as integral to my grandfather's story (not to mention to finding the home by and sea to share with my lovely lover, children and community, base of operations after 2012 when lease on this place expires again). I am also trying to make myself write after classes- the Content as well as how it felt. I think that this also indicates that the fog is at last beginning to clear. I don't know if you have any note-taking tips..? I
CONCLUSION:
Things I must do:
Set up next First Thursday and Workshops
Continue Ballet classes at least 2 (pref. 3 times a week)
Write down exactly what are my outgoings/financial needs to keep up this place- work out a plan of action for Red Shoe Space paying for itself
Make Giant Thermometer Graphic (or see if Anja has the one we used raising money for Tony's Cafe)
Complete my website find a way to make money on-line
Track down images of myself performing in "Handbag", "BumBumTrain", "La Mascarada" (and in future speak to the photographers direct as all Artists are hopeless at providing footage, including myself)
Find financing to take an intro to acting class at the Actors Centre (for instance) £550
Find financing to do a Voice course recommended by Shahar Dor
Find financing to take French mime/ physical theatre class?
Find financing to R+D "Hubert"
Organise meeting with Arts Council Live Art/ Theatre person
Do Voice classes with Marina
Find someone who wants to teach acting classes at my place
Take Circus Space classes
Make Hubert (my grandfather) piece for London Bridge Festival in July
Write down my stories and start to perform them in public
Take Sten's Action Theatre Course?
Write to Arlene saying that I find just not showing up rather disruptive and saying let's do July Your Peer Group First Thursday and Organically try acquire new members
Plan Practice Group First Thursday
Remember that men I find sexy and attractive are just human beings and I like human beings and do not need to treat them in any way different to any other kind of human being and just don't put up any barricades to anything further happening
THANKS FOR ASKING ME TO DO THIS ANGEL FRIEND- Of course it has taken me 3 hours rather than the one you recommended- but I think that's why I probably wouldn't have done it without your stimulation.. being, as I am ever best at thnking when thinking aloud. You're amazing. You don't have to respond comprehensively but obviously any responses will be most gratefully received. I think greater clarity has been achieved but... oh okay pleeeeeeeease let me know what you think!!
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